BEHOLD! The Mighty Fountain O'Shit 

Alison's first issue of Time Out Chicago arrived yesterday, and I was quite pleased to find content that immediately fulfills my expectations of what journalism should be. Case in point, their coverage of the new "Shit Fountain" in Chicago's East Village.

If you look close enough you will see that the etching on this landmark does in fact read "Shit Fountain," and that they design is literally a piece of shit. From the article:
"This [work] is dedicated to all the dogs in the neighborhood," says Kenar, who owns the building and the neighboring Wooden Gallery. Kenar and other East Village residents are peeved about locals who don't clean up after their dogs..."

"We're trying to make this neighborhood beautiful and he puts up a shit fountain?" says resident Jeanne Felknor, whose garden club has installed plants on more than 150 East Village parkways. "But I must say, after I [saw it], I laughed all the way home."
Funny enough, the sculpter of the "piece" is internationally known for his religious sculpture and liturgical furnishings.




So I'm leaving for Toronto tomorrow. This will basically wrap up Summa Spreak Break 2005 for me. I've been doing a bit of traveling and partying (from North Carolina and Myrtle beach (left) to the beaches of Chicago) and it will just be about enough of fun and no responsibility and happiness for one person in any period of time. After all time in the sun is psychologically fulfilling. After this, I will just have to buckle in find a job and live with it. BUT...before any of that happens I am going HERE. Caribana as you will see is the largest North American - Caribbean festival. It is basically like Carnival, which I've told you about before in Europe and Brazil...or Mardi Gras in NeOlens. So I may have a drink or two, but more importantly it is built to be choc full of musical goodness. And I will finally be able to see one of the closest friends of mine from Maastricht Amy (2nd from the right), who is from Toronto and who I will be staying with, and Jen (far right) another friend from Ottawa. It should round out an amazing, much needed, spectacularly magnificent SSB'05.

Oh, I've recently found out that my axles have lost their 'grease', so it is likely that my wheels will break off and I will die on my drive up there. But it's all worth it. Picture is from the south of Spain, Chiclana de la Frontera - two years ago. Basically the last time I saw them.



Lebowski Fest 4 

Via Thighmaster, check some photos from this past weekend's Lebowski Fest. All the usual suspects were there including:

Camel Fucker(s) in the Rag:

"We fucks you ups man, we takes the money"

The Man in the Black Pajamas:

The Whites:



A Message from John Kreese of Cobra Kai 

To: All Students
From: John Kreese, Executive Director and Sensei, Cobra Kai
Re: Happy Holidays!

Well, it’s that time of year again, and on behalf of all Cobra Kai teachers, employees and our owner Terry Silver, I would like to wish you and your families the very best this holiday season. It’s been a great year, and I’m thankful that our dojo is blessed with such talented and motivated students. You all truly "rule."

I’d also like to take this opportunity to reinforce some of Cobra Kai’s core values. Every holiday season, we are inundated with messages of peace, charity and mercy. At times, these messages can be hard to resist. But resist we must, for at Cobra Kai we do not train to be merciful. Mercy is for the weak. This is illustrated in the three points of the Cobra Kai "Way of the Fist":

·Strike First
·Strike Hard
·No Mercy

These values are what make Cobra Kai great, and should guide you as you celebrate this holiday season. Remember what I told that greasy old Japanese janitor back in ‘84: "This is a karate dojo, not a knitting class. You don’t come into my dojo, drop a challenge and leave, old man. Now get your boy on the mat, or you and I will have a major problem." Words to live by – if ANYBODY drops a challenge on you as you gather with your families, I recommend that you put them OUT OF COMMISSION. I’ve found that this is best done by sweeping the leg.

Speaking of dropping challenges, Cobra Kai humbly asks that you drop your unwanted canned goods and unwrapped toys in the large blue box by the front door as you enter the dojo. These items will be given to less fortunate families for Christmas, then taken away and thrown in the garbage. Please do your part.

Now, moving on to less pleasant business. It has long been the policy of Cobra Kai that fear, pain and defeat do not exist in this dojo. I would like to extend this policy in the new year to include foot odor. Really, guys – it’s getting ridiculous. Even my car keys smell like feet. The best way to dispel the bacteria that causes foot odor is by washing frequently, wearing socks made of natural fibers, and buying vented shoes, such as sandals. SHOW NO MERCY TO FOOT ODOR!

Has anybody seen my green headband? I put it down by the trophy case and now it’s gone.

Finally, some sad news. Many of you may know Johnny Lawrence, my former pupil whose shameful loss twenty years ago at the All Valley Karate Championship caused Cobra Kai to shut down for a while. Well, although I have refused to speak to the boy since, I do from time to time check in with his mother, who is really a sweet lady and an awfully good fighter. Unfortunately, it seems that Johnny passed away this last October, and by "passed away" I mean hung himself with his Karate belt in his mother’s basement where he pathetically continued to live. Cobra Kai asks that you pray for Johnny’s family in this time of crisis, although I must remind you that this is the sort of outcome you can all expect if you are WEAK like Johnny. Life will show YOU no mercy if you cry and carry on and act like little girls. So start acting like men or you’ll all die alone, ugly and unloved, probably by your own faggy hands.

Happy Holidays!


Sultry Seductress of the Month (June) 

I forgot about the month of June. Thus, here now is June's Sultry Seductress of the Month, Anglea Buchman. The TV's were regularly tuned into the Weather Channel during the good 'ol college days, thanks to this hot, weather-predicting MILF. Fuchman has been a Forecaster for WISH-TV since 2001 and I WISH I could bone her. Unfortunately, Angela attended Purdude/Purdon't for her degree, where she was likely accosted by an over-abundance of desperate sausage. I can only thank God she was not turned into a mullet-sporting truck driver wrapped in flannel because of it. So, to those of you who know not of Angela Buchman, see to it that you soon do. Understand, like myself, why nude (female only [sorry Teddy])weather forecasting is an outstanding idea. Enhance your Angela Buchman viewing experience by considering the multitude of potential female porn names offered by the science of weather: STORM, LIGHTNING, FRONT(AL), VIPER, DRIZZLE, EL NINA, MIST, TURBULENCE, WARM FRONT, and ZONAL FLOW.


BREAKING NEWS: Women watch pRon... 

... and they bring it to McDonalds with them, and keep it hidden inside other DVD cases! I was in Mickey D's this morning when a woman dropped her purse setting off a violent eruption of pRon DVD discs from within her bag. Being the polite young gent that I am, I helped her pick up various discs that were strewn all over the floor, not yet having noticed her taste in film. Most of the DVD labels were facing down, but I did catch the title of at least one of them, Hotino Hotties, some pRon with spicy looking dudes on the label. Also, she was keeping them hidden in Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle case. Why would someone need to carry their pRon around with them? Especially DVD pRon. I can understand a mag or something (sorta), but DVDs won't do you much good in public. It's not like you're going to bust out a portable DVD player on the train, or kick one up on your computer at work.

To make matters worse, she didn't seem embarassed at all. It was more of a "Oh ho, I'm caught... now won't you come back to my castle of love?" -type of look. *Shiver* No Thanks!



Cannonball Run, pt. Deux 

Since none of y'all have the ballz to throwdown for the previously discussed Cannonball Run in October, I will have to follow the progress of my co-worker, Derek, who is currently planning his own march to victory.

He recently made his vehicle purchase, settling for a full-size van, V8, 150k miles, for a little more then $300. Remember, the spending limit is $1,000. Check out the Ebay listing on this badboy, and enjoy some pix.



Muh Boyz! 

Thanks again to those that were able to make it up to the party this weekend, it was a great time and really good to see you all. I'll have a more in depth recap of my Intonation experience later today or tomorrow, but we have more important issues to examine in the interim.

Namely, those issues would be the five dudes known as the Altar Boyz. I was in Tower Records at lunch time and saw this album cover and nearly shit myself. We had a discussion on Friday night about all-time favorite covers, and had I known of this one, I surely would have dropped it top 5-style. Sorry for the large size.

My initial reaction: "Altar Boyz!?! Come ON, WTF??? That cover is awesomely bad. But wait, there's a jewish dude in the band??? That is a highly creative an daring marketing scheme if I've ever seen one."

As it happens, this group is actually part of a new musical comedy playing on broadway. From the website:
Their pious pop act, including lyrics like "Girl You Make Me Wanna Wait" and "Jesus Called Me On My Cell Phone," worked wonders on the Ohio bingo-hall-and-pancake breakfast circuit. But when fate brings them to New York, will the boyz take a bite out of the forbidden apple?
There are some audio samples on the site, but I'll have to wait until I get home to a computer with speakers. These guys are the best shit since the Icy Hot Stuntaz!



"We Gonna Make House Party 2 Look Like House Party 3" 

This just in. We've made a last minute addition to the Housewarming blowout tomorrow. Put your hands together for my BOYZ!



Hory Toreedo 

Lets take a moment to re-examine an often overlooked topic here at the Gigawatts, the mass transit industry. This is the mass of masses right here, folks. BEHOLD the world's largest container ship. Each one of those lego block looking things is the size of the typical container you would see hauled on a semi-truck. (via Gizmodo. Also see related: Speed 2: Cruise Control)

A little more info:
Thanks to large-scale automation, Shenzhen has a crew complement of only 19, and virtually the entire ship can be controlled and adjusted from a single Windows-based computer terminal. Several such terminals are scattered throughout the ship, meaning that the ship’s officers can make adjustments to the ship from their cabins if necessary.
Some other items of note from around the Internets:

1. Is July too early for a top 10 11 records of 2005? Never. Scope an early list that's NOT all Pitchfork rock over at Hall Monitor.

2. Right-Wing News debunks 8 myths about the Iraq War. Please feel free to REbunk.


Don't be a Boner, be a Donor! 

I just thought I would chime in with a friendly reminder to sign the back of your drivers license and become an organ donor. Sure, the collective livers of this blog are most definitely useless, but people need those kidneys!

And Grant, if you still read this blog and have that Hammond B3 Organ, please feel free to donate that TO ME!



Kittle's Furniture Sale! Don't Miss This! 



Sufjan Love 

This guy Sufjan Stevens is a little bit of everywhere right now. His new record, Come On Feel the Illinois came out yesterday and he riding a wave of publicity that includes a coveted 9.2 rating from that one internet magazine that uses a decimal rating system, and an exclusive, custom song for a piece on NPR's flagship, All Things Considered.

In case you haven't heard of him yet, here's the lowdown... the dude is a crazy sick multi-instrumentalist, and I think him to be the single most talented "pop" musician working today (see the downloads below for proof). He tangles focused and intent folk songs with jarringly complex rhythms and syncopations for a combination that is equal parts Frank Zappa and Woody Guthrie.

I won't bore you with yet another explanation of his 50 states project (individual albums about the history of each state, he's done Michigan and now, Illinois), but I will say that it is one of the most brilliant and ambitious gimmick in music history. Point your browser to some fantastic features and let the professionals do the talking:

First there is an in-depth interview (scroll down after the jump) with him from this Tuesday's edition of Eight-Forty-Eight, on Chicago Public Radio. Lots of good info about how he researches his states albums, along with some insight into the Stevens' school of songwriting.

Alow me to interject a few highlights from the new one into this post. These downloads are not "optional" -- all must download or face testicular electrocution:

• • • Sufjan Stevens - "Come On, Feel the Illinoise"
• • • Sufjan Stevens - "The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts"

For more on his research techniques, check out the piece from today's All Things Considered. Two freelance radio producers set out to tell the story of rare Woodpecker that recently emerged from extinction in a small Arkansas town. They brought in Sufjan and had him write a song about the recent discovery based on interviews they conducted with local townsfolk. This is NPR at it's finest folks. Down that song and definitelycheck out the full piece here. The song:

• • • Sufjan Stevens - "The Lord God Bird"

Stop by The Metro's homepage and pick up tix for his Sept. 16 gig in chicago -- sure to be the tour highlight.

Download help for "Come On, Feel the Illinois": Click the link and you are taken to the file sharing service called RapidShare. Scroll down and click on the "Free" button for download. You are given a "ticket," which usually means waiting about 30 seconds before you can start the download. When the timer counts down, the link appears at the bottom of the page; click it and choose "Save." (Hat tip to Rob for the ganked Rapidshare instruction).


Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam 

I thought I'd liven things up a bit with an excerpt from an article from the newest Onion.

"Area resident Helen Crandall, 44, was arrested by Akron police Sunday, charged with conducting an elaborate "sex-for-security" scam in which she allegedly defrauded husband Russell Crandall out of nearly $230,000 in cash, food, clothing and housing over the past 19 years using periodic offers of sexual intercourse....Akron police chief Thomas Agee said. "We're talking coats, dishwashers, jewelry, sewing machines, bathroom cleansers--you name it."

Maybe my favorite...questionable, the last "future" version had an article about a need for a 4th rule instilled in robots: Rule 4 - Stop Fingerbanging My Wife. That was pretty damn hilarious.

Let's give a shout out to the ONION and name off your favorite articles.


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