This past Saturday my brother and I took a small adventure to Louisville to visit my dad's side of the fam. Just as we were pulling on to 65 south we both agreed that food would be in order, so we found an exit. The exit was like any other along the interstate: truckstops, a Waffle House, the charred remnants of a Stuckey's long forgotten. Then there in the mist it stood - the McDonalds Diner. The past and future had com together in one awe-inspiring feat of fast-food. I have never known such fast food joy.

Upon entering the McDonalds Diner it appears like any other McDonalds, with checkout counters upfront and a large menu torturing the appitite with an endless choice of delicacies. A sign upfront reads "Please seat yourself" and so we do. We arrive at our table to find a menu waiting. My first question - does McDonald's Diner serve steak? Indeed they do, and I have a photo to prove it! After making our decision I picked up the conveinent ordering phone at our table and made my request to my operator / server at the front counter who took my order. We were so close to the front counter that I was literally looking at this woman as she took my order. Such service, and with a smile... I saw it! I decided on a standard country breakfast. This consisted of 2 eggs, 2 sausage patties, fried potatoes, and biscuits and gravy. The biscuits and gravy were identical to those you would get with any standard sausage gravy biscuit at any McDonalds nationwide, as were the sausage patties(which will . The eggs however were quite delicious, much better than what you might be accustomed to in McMuffin or biscuit sandwich form.

In an unrelated story - the bro and I went to Ceasar's Riverboat on the way home. He had never been, so we decided to go a little out of the way and hit it up. I didn't want to spend much money, so I played the slots for a bit ($20 worth). Well the 25 cent slots ate through that in about 10 minutes and I was left with two measly singles in my wallet. I decided that I would play these 2 bucks at dollar machines and hopefully get lucky. First dollar - no luck, it wasn't looking likely. I held my last dollar for about 10 minutes as I wondered around the casino looking for the perfect machine. Once I had found it I put my last dollar in and BOOOOOOOM... $150. Then I went and played blackjack and lost $60 of that. Oh well. So concludes this long-ass post. Outttie.
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With a new year right around the corner perhaps it's time to confront that stoner friend of yours. What better way to break the ice than to send a stoner greeting card from your friends at freevibe.com. The cards won't guarantee that you're roommate will stop eating your frozen pizzas and listening to Widespread Panic, but it might just bum the brah out enough for you to sneak in his room and find those southpark tapes that he's been hoarding.

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It's the second most wonderful time of the sporting year. That special time of the year when the team you've loved for years makes the playoffs, only to lose in the first round. I thought it would be fun if a few people did the brackets for the NFL playoffs this year. Pick your teams and leave them in the comments section. If enough people do it I'll start a tally in the sidebar.

AFC
(6)Broncos at (3)Colts -----> ??? at (2)Chiefs -----> ???

(5)Titans at (4)Ravens -----> ??? at (1)Patriots -----> ???

NFC
(6)Cowboys at (3)Panthers -----> ??? at (2)Rams -----> ???

(5)Seahawks at (4) Packers -----> ??? at (1)Eagles -----> ???

Be sure to list your picks for the 1st and 2nd rounds (above), as well as the AFC and NFC championship games and the Super Bowl. If you're unsure how to list it, follow my example in the comments section. Out.
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You're all special little snowflakes in my book. Now's your chance to prove to yourself how special a snowflake you really can be. Continuing with the christmas-interactive post theme I ask you to please visit Make a Flake, and design your very own (that's mine on the right... don't ask me why it's blue). It is a very "Happy" experience.
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You gotta check out this site. It appears that those at Brazilianpercussion.com have put together a cool little interactive flash thing that allows you to create your own mix of instruments that play along to a non-stop christmas medley. If it sounds gay (and when I say "Gay" of course I mean overtly happy), trust me... it's not. You can kick out the jams just like the Neptunes by popping the different tracks (or instruments) in and out of the loop. Create your own breakdowns, solos and more. Good times - I wasted at least 20 minutes with this thing today.
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Yo homeys, I just thought y'all might like to take a look at the new hotrod I've been working on lately. It's a bad bad boy. The ride sports a tailpipe, spoiler, intercooler, and more - ALL customized. I molded each and every accessory myself in order to make this the most aesthetically pleasing vehicle on the road.

Sorry I can't type more - Vin Diesel is on the phone and he wants to talk about Three Fast Three Furious, or TFTF3 as it's being called in the indie-film underground.
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Browsing around the web today I came across this video of pro-skater Mike Vallely beating down four jocks for calling him a "Skater Fag." Not exactly Bruce Lee-style shit, but it's still one guy taking on four.

Just follow this link and click on download. (With IE it should pop up in the corner)
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Taking the cue from our friends over at Proximity I present Which Recurring Kevin Smith Character Are You. By answering 21 different questions like "Did you think Affleck was da bomb in Phantoms?" this quiz will tell you which Kevin Smith character you most highly resemble in order of ranking.

Who was I? Fucking Brodie.


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You all might remember the post by 31 Flavaz a few weeks back linking to the video of a kid who beats Super Mario 3 in 11 minutes. This kid has been exposed for the fake that he is. Follow that link for all the evidence. The video is extremely amusing never-the-less, so here it is again for those who missed it the first time through.

Essentially the kid used an NES emulator, a program that allows you to play old Nintendo games while saving your "State" or exact position in the game. He saved each and every frame of the game so that he could totally perfect his 11 minute win. He claims that it took him two years of work to complete, further delaying any possibility of virginity loss.
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Being a guitar player, and also taking into account the several other guitar players that read this blog, I thought I would offer up this lesson on improving your shedder skillz (groupies not included). Berkeley School of Music is making this and other lessons available for free download.

Learn that shit up so that next time Poison auditions a new guitarist to replace C.C. Deville you'll be primed and ready.


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The Grammy nominees were announced a few weeks back and I meant to post about it, but it seemed to slip my mind up until now. The Grammys are usually a joke, but it's always fun to go through and pick who you think might win so I thought I would create an oppurtunity to do so. Last year Norah Jones walked away with a whole shit-ton of awards inclduing Best New Aritst, Record of the Year, Album of the Year, Best Female Vocal Performance, and several others. I expect to see the Grammy folks spread it out a little more this year, though given Outkast's placement on nearly every year-end top 10, they could walk away with 3-4 (out of 6 nominations).

Anyway, here's a rundown of the four major awards. Everyone make their picks and post them in the comments. Come February 8th, if you're the winner, maybe I'll mail you a fucking cookie or something.

Record of the Year:
Crazy In Love - Beyoncé Featuring Jay-Z
Where Is The Love - The Black Eyed Peas & Justin Timberlake
Clocks – Coldplay
Lose Yourself – Eminem
Hey Ya! – Outkast

Album of the Year:
Under Construction - Missy Elliott
Fallen – Evanescence
Outkast – Speakerboxx / The Love Below
Justified – Justin Timberlake
Elephant – The White Stripes

Song of the Year:
Beautiful – Linda Perry (Christina Aguilera)
Dance With My Father – Richard Marx & Luther Vandross (Luther Vandross)
I’m With You – Avril Lavigne & The Matrix (Avril Lavigne)
Keep Me In Your Heart – Jorge Calderón & Warren Zevon (Warren Zevon)
Lose Yourself – J. Bass, Eminem, & L. Resto (Eminem)

Best New Artist:
Evanescence
50 Cent
Fountains of Wayne
Heather Headley
Sean Paul

Here are my picks, based solely on what I think will win. I think it's hilarious that Fountains of Wayne qualified for Best New Artist considering that Welcome Interstate Managers is their 3rd album, and 2nd album on a major label. It just goes to show that the people who vote this stuff are total ignorant fuckwads.

Mike's Picks:
Record of the Year: Crazy In Love - Beyoncé Featuring Jay-Z
Album of the Year: Elephant – The White Stripes
Song of the Year: Dance With My Father – Richard Marx & Luther Vandross
Best New Artist: 50 Cent

I'm going out on a limb with the White Stripes and Luthor Vandross calls. The Stripes have been press darlings all year and therefore I think they'll get it. Vandross for two reasons (1) co-writted by Richard "The Greatest, Poofiest Mullet In History" Marx, and (2) Luther is practically on his deathbed. The music industry loves pity recognition.
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Here's a few pix that Aaron Just Sent from the Ween show in Cologne last night.



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A lot of folks are bitching about Abercrombie & Fitch's latest catalog titled the "Christmas Field Guide." Family values consumer groups are not happy that the catalog features (ohhh yeah) boobies and bare rears, and that these images are being marketed to children. We have ourselves another classic example of America getting all uptight about a little bit of sexuality. Granted the catalog's packaging does claim the pages are filled with "280 Pages of moose, ice hockey, chivalry, group sex & more" but it also comes covered in a plastic sleave (much like your dad's Playboy). Even more, the catalog / magazine costs $7, and those who wish to purchase it must show proof that they are above the age of 18. Being that it is purchase only, it's not like the magazine was showing up in the mail.

I fail to understand how these consumer groups feel that this situation is any different than an 18 year-old having the right to buy a Playboy at Borders or anywhere else the widely-distributed publication is available. If you want to talk about selling sexuality to kids, why don't we examine the grunts and moans on the majority of Britney's hit songs. In my opinion, A&F has every right to put this catalog out if they choose. The best part of the whole thing? A&F's numbers are down since they started pumping their catalogs full of sex. Sex doesn't sell? Could it really be so? Here's a couple articles for the for and against the catalog.
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Hey Everyone, I don't know if you've ever seen these before...either way, they are still pretty funny or just a bit crazy.

#1 Only in India (top left)- I still can't believe they feed rats!!

#2 Only in Texas (top right) - Actually the Shit Probably happens in Indiana too. haha

#3 Only in Sri Lanka (bottom left) - This one gets number three just for the balls to play with a King Cobra

#4 Only in Mexico (bottom right) - Puto Maricon Cabron wey

# posted by AC @ 6:53 AM

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Steve's post last week about the kid who beats Super Mario 3 in 11 minutes got me thinking about all my old favorite arcade games. I can remember going to the arcade in Castleton Mall every sunday just to play Street Fighter 2, and there would always be a line at least 25 people long waiting to play this Japanese kid who was guaranteed to kick your ass everytime. I got my ass kicked everytime I played the kid, usually in under 30 seconds. So I was looking around online today and I found a great site called The International Arcade Museum. The museum houses over information, photos and screenshots for more than 6,000 coin-operated arcade games. Stop by, check it out, and relive some old memories. While I'm here, here's a rundown of my personal favorite arcade games:

1. Roadblasters, 1987
Just a badass car game, and a true classic. This was one of the first car games released where you could actually crawl inside the machine and sit down. The best part was the robotic voices that said shit like "Whatta move!" and "Danger, mines ahead." Probably not the unanimous choice, but it stands as my all-time favorite coin-muncher.

2. Street Fighter 2: Champion Edition, 1992
Street Fighter 2 is the fighting game that started it all. This is my personal favorite of all the Street Fighter 2 spinoffs (and acutally only the 2nd in a series of many). This is the edition that first allowed you to play as M. Bison, and to this day I can till kick anyone's ass with fucking M.Bison (except for the Japanese kid, whose tan skin effetively hides his exoskeleton). I'd like to note that while Champion Edition was the shit, the Hyper edition was definetly the worst SF2 ever.

3. Ironman Ivan Stewart's Super Off-Road, 1989
For about a 10 year period you could go into any Walmart nationwide and find an Off-Road machine calling your name. This game was the best to play with friends because you could so easily fuck each other over. I used to love spending all my winnings on nitro-boosters just so I could steal the victory in the last lap. Badass game. If I could own any machine on this list, it would be Off-Road.

4. Mortal Kombat II, 1993
They had this one at the Marsh right next to my house growing up. I used to save my lunch money so I could ride over to Marsh and play for a few hours. My personal favorite character has got to be Baraka. That dude was a badass. Fatalities, babalities... need I say more?

5. Gauntlet, 1985
The first game I was ever obsessed with. I went on spring break in 1986 to Panama City and my hotel had this in their game room. I saved up $20 to take on the trip (alot for a 6 year-old kid) and I rationed myself $3.50 a day to play this classic. The first game ever made that could not be beaten. The game had some kind of level-generator built in and therefore never ended. I once saw a kid get to level 500 and something. Granted there's a bunch of warps, but that's pretty impressive.

So that's that. Here's a site that lists all of the arcades in the Indiana area, as well as which classics they have. What am I forgetting on this list?
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First of all, I'm trying to pretend that I'm some sort of news source. I've decided to post up news stories for several reasons. One, something should be posted here everyday and genuine sources of hilarity are not always readily available. Two, I would probably bring these stories up in conversation if all y'all were here where I could actually talk and hang out with you. Lastly, this is interesting shit. That being that...

You may remember from History class that in 1955, a woman from Montgomery, AL named Rosa Parks was arrested for refusing to "Move to da back of da bus." The woman is in her 90s now and claimed that the Outkast song "Rosa Parks" has defamed her and violated her pubicity rights. First of all, having a song named after yourself isn't exactly what I would consider DE-faming oneself. Maybe she just doesn't like being associated with the "Type of people that make da club get crunk." Either way, the supreme court has ruled that she is allowed to sue Outkast on these grounds. Good luck with that one. To me, it appears that Outkast is clearly protected by the 1st amendment on this one. Care to weigh in Law Schoolio? Oh yeah, here's the article from CNN.

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I was doing a little christmas shopping today and I came across this little treat. Just incase you're still looking to find that perfect gift for mom or dad, I present to you the BIG SHOCKER! You can order these badboys in a multitude of colors for only $10 from www.bigshocker.com

While you're there don't miss out on the BIG SHOCKER TV commercial where we what it might be like to use the BIG SHOCKER in some of our daily routines.

Also, if you've got an uncle or brother who has a taste for toothless strippers, gamey meat, and / or any kind of number on the back of their pickup, don't forget to package in Toby Keith's new disc with their BIG SHOCKER! (Thx Al)
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Yo yo kids, good news from Middle Earth. With Return of the King due to drop theaters next week, Peter Jackson recently revealed that he would love to take shot at directing a film version of The Hobbit. Check out the article here. First thing first, Jackson is remaking King Kong - also using New Zealand as the backdrop. Lets hope he does a little better job than Roland Emerich's 1998 Godzilla remake attempt, which helped to solidify my opinion about summer action blockbusters. They suck massive balls.

Also, there are several crazy motherfuckers planning to attend the complete LOTR trilogy in NYC, including both extended special editions and a screening of Return of the King (probably around 11hrs of film).
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Love to write your own songs, but sing like shit? Have your favorite recording stars sing your songs for you. Check out this site. It's hilarious. Just type in the words of your choice and hit play.

Let Them Sing For You

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A few months back the best band in the world, Ween, held one of the greatest events a fan could ever hope for. Just prior to releasing Quebec, they busted out anin-studio, all-request show of songs voted by fans. This show saw the debut live performances of "Cold Blows the Wind," "Pollo Asado," and rejected pizza hut commercial jingle "Where'd the Cheese Go," as well as the first ever complete "Stallion" cycle. I was lucky enough to tune into the event, it was without a doubt one of the "Brownest" experiences of my life. Lucky for us all we can now buy that show direct from Ween's website. It's $14 bucks so go pick one up. Mine is already on the way. Here's a rundown of the setlist:

01 Happy Colored Marbles
02 The Stallion, Part 1
03 The Stallion, Part 2
04 The Stallion, Part 3
05 The Stallion, Part 4
06 The Stallion, Part 5
07 Demon Sweat
08 Cover It With Gas And Set It On Fire
09 Awesome Sound
10 Cold Blows The Wind
11 Pollo Asado
12 Reggaejunkiejew
13 Tried and True
14 Mononucleosis
15 Stay Forever
16 Where'd The Cheese Go?

Aaron is going to the Ween show in Cologne next week. Make sure you snap off some pix and blog that shit biotch! I hear they love getting bottles of Jack and / or just about any drug you care to pass along... even scotchgard.
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There's nothing funny, or masterbation-related about this post, but I still hope some of you find this interesting. I was reading the Morning News this morning and stumbled upon this article about the process of record mastering. I never knew a thing about record mastering, so I found this quite informative. There's a cool little factoid about how Motown's singles always had a little more umph than everyone else. The article is short and sweet, so check it out and maybe you'll learn something.

Of course, if you're here to discuss masterbation tactics, then I should direct you to Fleshbot - a blog dedicated to boobies (and lots of 'em).
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Silence of the Clams - Secretly masturbate in a dark place to the point of no return then pretend to have a seizure while mumbling. Then when someone approaches to make sure you're ok, throw a handful of slap juice in their face and hair and yell: "Hello Clarice!" - Jason Bleacher, Pennsylvania

Jared - If you can get this creative, I will worship the ground you walk on.
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It's the most wonderful time of the year, and so I present to you this yule tide post. I was in target yesterday shopping around and noticed they had santa suits for only $49.99. That made me think of the wonderful event that I first read about in Chuck Palinuik's book Fugitives & Refugees: A Walk in Portland. In the early 90s, members of the Cacophony Society, a group dedicated to strange "Happenings," created the "Santacon." Yearly the event draws humdreds of santas to Portland to participate in drive-by caroling, drunken stampedes, and many other zany events. Each santa is armed with a bottle of windex, which they use to spray other santas in the mouth (strangely enough, the windex tastes an awful lot like gin and tonic). After getting thouroughly loaded the santas set out to rampage the city by dashing through shopping malls, visiting strip clubs and local porn outlets, caroling, and generally being bad santas. If I do move out to Portland, I want you to all come to visit and join in the Santacon festivities. All Santas man, woman, or child are encouraged to participate. In the meantime, Santacons are popping up all over the U.S. and the world. Here's a few links to help get you in on the action. Also, don't miss this hilarious Portland Police memo regarding the 1996 Santacon.

The Cacophony Society
Santarchy
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Dave is the last dancer in the sequence. Unreal.
http://www.kollaboration.org/movie/kolla2001.wmv
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http://content.collegehumor.com/media/movies/mosmb3.wmv

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I finally finished up my Top 10 CDs of the year, so here they are. Since I'm bored as shit, I thought I would write a little blurb for each one in hopes that some of you will go out and buy this shit. To make that easier, I've made recommendations based on what I think each one of you guys might dig.

10. Postal Service:Give Up
My guilty pleasure of the year. Yeah, I know Ben Gibbard's voice is more boy than man, and Jimmy Tamborello's electronics sound like cotton candy tastes, but I don't care. "The District Sleeps Along Tonight" goes down as the 2nd best song of the year in my book. The lyrics are generally horrid throughout the entire CD, but you can't deny the smooth electronic textures and genuine vocal melodies that this disc offers up. WHO SHOULD BUY: Steve, Aaron

9. Ugly Cassanova: Sharpen Your Teeth:
First of all, this album actually came out way back in 2002. Fuck it though, I didn't hear about it until this year and therefore I consider it's inclusion to be perfectly legal. This is a side project by Modest Mouse frontman Issac Brock. The story goes that a dude named Ugly Cassanova, who was a huge MM fan, snuck backstage, burst into their dressing room, threw down a notebook of poems and disappeared, never to be seen again. Issac Brock kept the poems and put them to music... really fucking good music. Alot like a Modest Mouse record, if you added a pinch of Primus and a smidge of Jim Croce. WHO SHOULD BUY: Everyone

8. Outkast: Speakerboxx / The Love Below
I assume I don't need to do much explaining here. It's great to see hip-hop heading into expiremental territory. I originally planned to only give credit to Andre in this top ten, feeling that Big Boi's disc was a little to typical for hip-hop in this day and age (what with the rapped verses and chick-singer choruses ala Ja Rule). However, Big Boi's rhymes are far better than Andre's and deserve inclusion for that reason alone. Still, you can't deny Andre's musical genious and the sheer balls to go for such a radical departure. I'm still waiting for the day when Hip-hop artists stop putting all these space-wasting skits in the track sequence and concentrate on music. I still think this album would work better as a single disc. It is frustrating to me that these two couldn't work together to make their best album yet. That still belongs to Aquemini. WHO SHOULD BUY: What, you don't have it yet? Come on, my stepmom wants it for Christmas. I'd hate for her to be cooler than you.

7. Metric: Old World Underground
The only female-fronted group to make my top ten this year (By the way Ian... what? No Tatu in the top 13? Bullshit!). This is exactly the kind of 3-chord robotic pop-punk that the Constantines aren't. Don't think Blink 182 however, the disc goes way beyond that bullshit. I can't help but love the Cars-style "You're all I've got Tonight"-style synth that's all over this disc. Vocalist / keyboard player Emily Haines is also in BSS too. WHO SHOULD BUY: Aaron

6. The Shins: Chutes To Narrow
If I were doing a top ten overhyped bands of the year list these guys would be up there with White Stripes. However, while the album isn't perfect from front to back, it is a nice little 30-minute retro-rock affair. The opening track "Kissing the Lipless" is as infectious as they come, and hands down my favorite song of the year. WHO SHOULD BUY: Grant

5. Bonnie 'Prince' Billy: Master & Everyone
Will Oldham is a badass. This is the album for Zoloft users who are short on supply and need something to hold them over. Slowwwwww tunes, all acoustic, depressing as hell and completely brilliant. A lot like the Iron & Wine's debut from last year, just great acoustic stuff. Worthy of #5 for it's enjoyment from front to back, or on random. WHO SHOULD BUY: Hard to Say

4. The Wrens: The Meadowlands
Not sure how to catagorize this one. I guess I would call it indie-rock that doesn't give a shit about being indie-rock. These guys hadn't put out an album in at least six years and came back with this gem that deserves #1 as much as any other on this list. Not a bad song on the album. WHO SHOULD BUY: Grant, Steve

3. The Constantines: Shine a Light
Like BSS and Metric, the Constantines also hail from Toronto. I wrote about these guys on the blog a few weeks back when they were here in Bloomington playing a show. These dudes are Eddie Murphy raw; the kind of band that wants to rip a limb off of the listener's body and beat them over the head with it. They've been called post-punk, which I suppose is fair, but doesn't hint at how intelligent this band really is. Gone is the robotic 1/8 note feel and three chord ball and chain, in favor of unexpected chord changes and choppy rock beats that use as much or as little of the drum kit as necessary. Bonus: the lead singer sounds like a combonation of Springsteen and Lemmy Kilmster from Motorhead. WHO SHOULD BUY: Grant, Aaron, Ian

2. My Morning Jacket: It Still Moves
Perhaps I'm being a bit premature giving this disc the #2 spot on my list, seeing as how it just snuck onto my radar last week. However, of all CDs I picked up this year (with the exception of #5) this is the only CD I wanted to listen to again as soon as I was done with it the first time through. I don't know if anyone saw these guys on Conan last summer, but they tore the place apart. Imagine if the Allmans had recorded more acoustic tunes, but implemented a touch of Black Sabbath riff-ology. Now take that sound, mix in a vocalist that sounds like Jackson Browne, a little Sigur Ros atmosphere, and a shitload of reverb and you've got a great album, and some of the most inventive 3-chord rock in a long time. My favorite part is how almost every track on the disc goes for a Hey Jude ending. Mmmm, Delicious. WHO SHOULD BUY: Jared, Aaron

1. Broken Social Scene: You Forgot it In People
Since 1997 there has been incessant talk about who would put out the next Ok Computer. Ok Compuer, for the most part, is a totally badass album, but I really wish critics would stop looking for the next OK Computer and just concentrate on the next great album of our time. This disc (along with Sea Change IMO) has come as close as any other this century. Not only was it the best CD I bought this year, but also hands-down the best live act I've seen in recent memory. This band is huge, and the live show featured 11 or so interchanging members and at least 3 lead vocalists. Horns, piano, 3-4 guitar players, agressive drumming, and subtle harmony. This disc may not have seen a lot of press, but when critics look back in 10 years, I think this one will hold true as one of the decade's best. WHO SHOULD BUY: Everyone
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