Beer Fest Information 

http://www.bigredliquors.com/special_events.php (sorry, can't link with MAC)
March 25-26...I'd like to get as many people together as possible...and puke on them.


And God Brought Forth Beer Fest 

I know the almighty beer fest is approaching. Now is a novel time to gather all members of the Beer Drinking Tactical team for a go at the finest fermentations. How 'bout some info so plans can be made?



"The Grey Album" as a legal gray area 

[all apologies to Mike for overlapping a previous post on this and length] So by now everyone has heard, as the result of downloading, the infamous Grey Album by DJ Dangermouse (with contributions by The Beatles and Jay-Z). If you haven't heard the full story, here's the rundown:

More than 300 Web sites and blogs staged a 24-hour online protest yesterday over a record company's efforts to stop them from offering downloadable copies of "The Grey Album."...The protesters billed the event as "Grey Tuesday,"....industry lawyers...sent letters to the Web sites demanding that they not follow through on the protest.

EMI was behind the unliteral effort to put down the downloads. This is the part I found most interesting:

Jonathan Zittrain, a director of the Berkman Center for Internet and Society at Harvard Law School, said the issue is indeed a gray one. "As a matter of pure legal doctrine, the Grey Tuesday protest is breaking the law, end of story," Mr. Zittrain said. "But copyright law was written with a particular form of industry in mind. The flourishing of information technology gives amateurs and home-recording artists powerful tools to build and share interesting, transformative, and socially valuable art drawn from pieces of popular culture. There's no place to plug such an important cultural sea change into the current legal regime."

Which led me to the Berkman Center's OpenLaw site, which I think is just brilliant. Basically they develop legal briefs, arguments, and petitions for actual copyright cases (the first one of which made it to the US Supreme Court) using the open source model popularized by software programmers. Anyone can contribute to their arguments. It's a novel and effective way of coordinating dispersed knowledge for a useful cause. They are now collaborating with the Electronic Frontier Foundation, which I'm a big fan of.

Bottom line: while I don't necessarily agree with all their positions - I think copyright and patent law creates productive incentives in some cases - I feel this is an interesting development in this field of law, and the practice of law itself. The potential applications in other fields are legion.


Stern Called to Principles Office 

Oft-beloved / oft-despised shock jock Howard Stern has been suspended by Clear Channel for on-air indecency, in what is sure to be the first of many moves to happen in the name of decency as a result of a little bit of boobage. Personally 1.21 Gigawatts thinks that (look, I sound like Gothamist!) this is a load of shit, and why should Howard be taken off now, just for general indecency? Jesus people, just change the channel, or learn how to program that V-chip that now comes in every single TV. IT"S THE PARENTS FAULT. They're your kids, fucking take care of them yourself and don't hinder everyone elses freedoms because you refuse to responsibility for what your kid watches / listens to. "Period."


You talkin to me?? 

Barry Bonds is pissed. Turk Wendell said that Barry obviously uses steroids (gasp!). Now Bonds wants to beef: "You got something to say, you come to my face and say it and we'll deal with each other. Don't talk through the media like you're some tough guy."
Steroids? Surely not, right? Hmm..

His trainer has come out saying that he gives steroids to MLB players..
His size has become a joke compared to how he used to look.
Is it obvious?

Perhaps. What a day it will be if we find out all these foos is juicin' and shizzle, I mean, this could be big, you're talking records that were broken, etc. We take medals back from Olympians.. can Barry's record be erased? Is he only one of many?

Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Jason Giambi, Mark McGwire, Jose Canseco (dare I say Shaq?) all got big very fast.

My only question: Where can I get me some?!?!

Nota Bene: I don't beef, I knock out teeth!



The irony is delicious 

It's like something out of The Onion: one of Wisconsin's leading advocates for harsher, unreasonable drinking laws is arrested for drunken driving. Fellow traveller and veteran blogger Radley Balko (who also happens to be an expert on "backdoor prohibition") has the full story over at his site, The Agitator.

Also, on a related note, apparently "teen brains show less activity in the regions associated with motivation," a study shows. "Adolescents may be more willing to engage in dangerous activities such as drink driving because this crucial part of their brain is under-developed, the US researchers suggest."
Hat tip to Professor Tyler Cowen at Marginal Revolution for the link.



Vote Bush! 

Ok, you all may have seen this before, but if you haven't, I found this very fun for about 5 seconds.


If you love guns, war, death penalties, tax breaks for Corporate Execs, constitutional changes for no reason, and of course, hindered freedom: Please vote Bush in 2004.

Or write in Gary Coleman, just as good methinks.


Mardi Gras in STL!!! 

This is Aaron Chastain, Welcoming YOU (and I hope you love my glasses) to the biggest party in the Midwest this last weekend and the main street of T&A in dowtown STL. SO to all those waiting eyes, I decided to post at least one picture, well let's make it two.

And as soon as I can upload the whole lot, Hicks will have a side bar post for you to see all the famous pics from STL. Sorry there could be more, but my camera wasn't working at the time and all we had was J-red's camera. Anyway, we had so much fun and the streets were crazy busy. I was expecting a lot, but was surprised. Someone said there were about 1 million drunk fools in the whole couple block area. Enjoy!!


You Can't Avoid The Noid 

As long as we're on the subject of food mascots, I thought I would offer up a tribute to my personal favorite food mascot of all-time: the Domino's Pizza Noid. The Noid dominated the mascot scene during the late 80s, even spawning his own cart for the NES - Yo! Noid. Whether he was blowing up your pizza with a Noid-bomb, freezing it with his Noid-wand, or just punching it to pieces, the Noid is the only mascot (I can recall) that has ever made habit of destroying the very product he is meant to promote. Watch an old Noid commercial here. What are some other good food mascots? I'd give props to Hamburglar and Little Ceasar, but no fool can step to the Noid. outtie.


They came bearing toasted subs! 

(...whatever the hell they are.) What some consider an ignominious use of an ad budget, gets an 'A' grade from Slate Magazine's "Ad Report Card." Also here is Bob Garfield's Ad Review in AdAge.com, saying basically the same thing but with more humor.

I have to agree: the ads create awareness for the brand, stimulate viral transmission of the subject, and accomplish an unforgettable viewer experience in very little time and probably on the first viewing. I especially like the companion ad explaining a coupon for anything will get you a $1 off a sub, including coupons for "oil changes...or hairplugs! Any coupon works!"

Nota Bene: In his February 16th column, Bob Garfield does a pretty good job summing up why Adidas' Muhammad/Laila Ali ad completely misses the mark.



"The Empire strikes back" 

...declared an enthused Mayor Bloomberg at a press conference with newly acquired Yankee signee, Alex Rodriguez.
Now, I can only imagine what the anti-Yankee sentiment is here at the Gigawatts (it can only pale in comparison to what I have to deal with among my friends), but sports columnist and all around cultural gadfly Allen Barra, methinks, does a pretty good job of putting the Evil Empire into perspective. This NY Times piece actually argues, perhaps tongue-in-cheek, that the deal was a money saver for the club. [Full Disclosure: I am, and have been for as long as I remember enjoying baseball, a Yankees fan. He is my favorite player of all time.]

The money 'graph:
"Though the fact seems to have escaped most of their critics over the
past eight years, the Yankees from 1996 through this season have never
been free spenders--big spenders, yes, but not free spenders. The core of
the recent Yankee dynasty has been home-grown talent: Derek Jeter, Bernie
Williams, Mariano Rivera, Jorge Posada, and Andy Pettitte. And, in fact,
despite all the talk of the old gang breaking up, Pettitte is the only player in
that group who is not still a Yankee."

That being said, I do think Peter Gammons is sycophantically favorable to the Bronx Bombers, and despite reports to the contrary, my Yankee fandom does not preclude me from rational consideration of the salary cap, luxury tax, and revenue sharing provisions -- after all, it's all just economics. (I'm actually in favor of increasing the luxury tax. I'll save you all my entire diatribe on the subject).

It may be all for moot, however, as this guy may completely change the game as we know it.


Mullets, Biker-Babes & Bear-Raslin' 

Spring is right around the corner, and that means it's time for one of Indy's best annual events: the Beat Sport & Travel show. I would highly suggest that each of you take the time to head downtown and check this spread out. They have over 600 exhibitors that allow you to tour everything from small yachts to RVs to log cabin models. Keep you're eye out for the scantily-clad models laid out on the hood of some of the bigger boats, you might recognize them from recent issues of Lowrider magazine. Also, if you go on the weekends, don't miss the bear-wrestling and post-climbing races in the Pepsi Colliseum - there's sure to be an injury or two. The show runs through this Sunday and tix are $9.


Nader Is In 

Ralph Nader annouced his candidacy for the 2004 election over the weekend, sending a wave of reassurance to Bush supporters across the country. I would like to say that, yes I did vote for Nadar in 2000, and no I won't be voting for Nader in 2004. It is entirely too obvious that Nader seriously hindered Al Gore's otherwise smooth entrance to the White House, and the only reason I'll vote democrat is because I don't want to see that happen again. I am all for the Green Party platform, but I don't like a 3rd party in the presidential election because they don't stand a chance of doing anything except hurting a strong liberal contingency. Third parties need to work from the ground up, which means start by getting local offices and work towards electing congressmen and senators. Once they've successfully infiltrated the House and Senate the Democratic Party will be forced to see green in the spectrum. I'll agree, right now we're looking at another election that's going to end up with identical candidates, and I don't think Kerry can hold up despite his favoratism in the polls. The big issues that Kerry has come out against - the war, no child left behind specifically - are things has has VOTED FOR in the past. Ladies and gents, we're fucked.



Patience is a virtue. 

(Please excuse a rather large post, but this topic is worth it to me)

I am the biggest IU fan in the world, but indeed this season has been a test (And I am not one to jump ship so easily like some doods - i.e. those who suddenly love Kris Humphries - when hard times come around). It is hard to figure this team out. However, the blame for a pitiful season should not rest solely on the shoulders of head coach Mike Davis, although he should mos def get a good share. For example, I dont think he tells the guys to stand around and fire up 3's while guarded, I dont think he tells Leach to foul Humphries in a tie game with 3 seconds left, I dont think, in the same game, he wants Tapak taking a clutch shot while well-guarded or Marshall Strickland firing a desperation three when there is still time to go to the basket for a duece, etc etc etc...

Davis is as frustrated as we are.

I will be the first to admit that Mike is not the greatest coach who ever lived, but he is still young. Believe it or not, Bob Knight did miss the Big Dance on occasion. He also had a nice string of first round losses through the 90's, not to mention the sorry Big Ten showings from 1994-2001, but Mike brought a Big Ten championship back to IU in 01-02 for the first time in nearly a decade. Dont tell me it was with Bobby's boys, it was Mike's system that got them there and his system that took them to the NCAA championship game. However, his pro style offense hinges on an inside-out game, and without a Jeffries, Newton, or Odle to play well inside, we are left dribbling around like fools.

Should he adapt to his team? Yes.
Does he only really have guards? Yes
Does he have any reliable options inside? No.
Is he still learning? Yes.

Give the guy a few years before you give up on him, I like the pro style offense he brings (similar to what you see in Arizona and Florida) but he needs the personnel to run it right. Everyone says he can recruit but he cannot coach. Well, it seems that the recruiting is what bit his ass more than his coaching this season (A class of Ewing and Gray-Ashley leaves much to be desired, while recently missing out on the likes of Sean May, Charlie Villenueva, and Kris Humphries). I think Davis will learn to not only go after the top notch guys and will be able to sustain a constant recruiting effort in the future.

Lets not be fools about the post-Knight era; Bobby's is a tough act to follow and Knight's shadow still lingers to this day. Just look at what happened in North Carolina after Dean Smith left, they are still not back to being a powerhouse like they once were. But they are working in that direction, and I feel that IU is on the doorstep to similar reconstruction.

Finally, if any of you fools want Steve Alford, please notice he is on the verge of also missing the tourney, which would make it 1 time out of 5 years that his Iowa teams went, and they won the Big Ten tourney to get an automatic bid that year. Steve Alford, if we do fire Davis down the road, is not the man for the job. If Davis continues to struggle getting the best out of his players, disciplining them, and adapting to them, then I am all for finding a new coach. However, he is still a young head coach and will most likely improve as he goes along... he inherited a great program with impatient fans, but give him a little more time and if he does nothing with it, let's get rid of him then.

I invite your comments and opinions here, I want to know what other IU fans on this blog have to say about this year and the future of IU basketball which is my passion, my love. (Give respect to my Pace Show in the NBA though doods)



Mardi... Marty Gras 

I don't know what everyone's doing for Mardi Gras this year, but if you're planning to be in Bloomington then plan on coming out to the big Fat Tuesday celebration at Bluebird on Tuesday night. Lots of good costumes and good music are expected. What you should expect is to find anything better in Bloomington (or even indiana). What I expect is to see some pix from STL Mardi Gras from this weekend, so hook that shit up when you get back A-ron. HAve a good weekend kids, I hope you dig the new wears on the site.


These two things I know are true. 

Kevin Garnett is, without doubt, the best player in the NBA. 12 boards in the first quarter last night?!?!?! Are you shittin me? Insanity. And Chris Andersen is the coolest player in the NBA. Did you watch the Dunk contest? Anyone rockin the ID hairstyle on nationally televised TV is down with me.




It has finally been confirmed...Nine Inch Nails will headline this year's Lollapalooza. Shiggity fucknutz! Dually, the new disc will "supposedly" be out by June. This is major, folks. I will see you at a minimum of four of the shows. Now to go masturbate about this news...


So, yeah. 

I went to the IUPUI game last night (vs Oakland), and it was the worst exhibition of basketball I have ever seen. Lopez and I were befuddled over the fact that they could even call what was going on basketball. Sick shit, lemme tell ya. Akeem Clark was a joke, and don't think I wasn't yelling obscenities at him that the entire gym could hear. Goo. Oh, Kris Humphries rules...bitch.


We've got bush!!! 






Belee da hype 

I'm sure many of you have heard about this by now. DJ Dangermouse recently remixed Jay Z's Black Album using tracks from The Beatles White Album, and beats of his very own. Being both a fan of Jigga and the Fab Four I couldn't resist checking this one out. Dangermouse usues samples from "Mother NAture's Son," "Piggies," "While My Guitar Gently Weeps," "Glass Onion," "Julia," and a few others. Very cool hearing Jay on top of Beatles tracks, and Dangermouses beats are all kinds of illified. Anyway, I really dig it and I just wanted to point out that you can download it here for free (link via those blog-snobs over at Gothamist).


Hicks defeats flying mouse in local deathmatch 

Yesterday, Al and I are hanging out in my bedroom when all of the sudd... "WHAT THE FUCK!" For some reason I have really bad luck with wild animals sneaking into my living space (ask A-ron about the possum debacle). This scene was straight out of The Great Outdoors. Anyway, this damn bat is on the loose in my bedroom and anyone who's been in the bedroom knows that it's not all that big. The little bastard was doing laps around the room at what seemed like 60 mph. I managed to open one of the windows and tried to use a broom to "guide" him out. Well that didn't work and I had to whack the little bastard, sending him across the room. Then, as I'm shoveling him up into the dust pan he acts like he's about to take off and start flying again. Luckily I was right next to the window, so I pitched him out. No bites were sustained.



Are video games becoming too much trouble to play? 

Let them play themselves. This new site is boasting a The Sims game that characters in The Sims can play! I think Jesse Walker aptly sums it up, when he said "I'm getting dizzy..."

Read a quick explanation of it here.

Hat tip to Reason online's Hit & Run for the link.

Nota Bene: Reason is one of my three favorite magazines.


I hope... 

Humphries thumps IU's ass tonight...take in the mouth...bitch! Wouldn't that be heelarlar...Fuck IU...long live Humphries!!!



News source or guide to war-tainment? 

Last night I went down to the Monroe County public library to check out this documentary after hearing about it on WFHB. I must encourage you all to swing by democracynow.org and devote 27 minutes of your time to checking this out, it is quite thought provoking and challeging, and makes some excellent points about how the American media approaches the coverage of war compared to the rest of the world. One of the most fascinating points was the discussion of how CNN showed nothing but bombs dropping and info on all the new toys of war, while CNN international split the screen to show not only the bombings but the devistation and aftermath. Chiggity check it.


"My main objective is to be professional but to kill him." 

Posts have been hard to come by this week, so I've decided to present five of my all-time favorite Mike Tyson quotes. There's a bunch more available here.

"If I take this camera and put it in your face for 20 years, I don't know what you might be. You might be a homosexual if I put that camera on you since you were 13 years old. I've been on that camera since I was 13 years old."

"My power is discombobulatingly devastating I could feel is muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."

On reporters: “I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.”

"Lennox Lewis, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"

"I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let smash that silverback's snotbox! He declined."


Electronic Music On Indy Radio? 

For all of you electronic music lovers, I caught X103's Planet X show driving home Saturday night. Apparently, the show has been active since 2000, unbenounced to me. Electronic music is far from prevalent on Indy radio, but I must say, I was very impressed with Planet X. For those of you who can catch the signal, be sure to check it out. Check out the info and a weekly playlist:



Hicks gets cat; learns to knit 

So yesterday I finally caved in a bought myself a cat. Until I came down to B-town, I'd always had a cat, so I told myself as soon as I graduate I'm gettin' me one. This little dude's name is (now) Otis (instead of Tiger, which was a shitty name), and he's about 8 months old. He just had his balls chopped so I assume he's not quite as frisky as usual, but that's aight with me. Anyway, I'm not supposed to have a cat so he's chillin' over at Alison's house for the next few months. Cat's rule.



Personal photo albums 

One of the original ideas when conceiving of 1.21 Gigawatts was to have a place for us all to share our photos. I think I've come up with a solution for doing this. I've posted my own personal photo album in the sidebar and if any of you members would also like to post one let me know, it's quite easy. First, go to Shutterfly and get yourself a free account. Shutterfly allows you to store your photos online so that others can view them. After you've uploaded all the photos you want everyone to see, select the share option and send an email to me (mike at rockpaperscissors dot biz) and I'll put a link for your photos in the side column. You can update the album at will, but make sure you send me a share email each time you do so that I can update the link.


O' Crikey!! Feed the Croc Babies.... 

If you remember from earlier I have a new post from Good ol' Zipperfish.com. The great minds there have set up a game for us to play with our favorite Australian, O Crikey, the Crocodile hunter. Check this out!!

After winning you get a , "Way to go, you saved that beautiful Croc from goin hungry!!" hahaha. By the way, while you're at the site, don't forget about additions to the You are a Fucking Moron! Britney Spears edition, watch slugger, he gots some funny signs.



Question: Who wins in a battle between McGuyver and the A-team?



Got Hibernation? 

Since I am currently nursing a nice cold, I thought I'd pay homage to one of the pure, sweet pleasures in this life: NyQuil.

Is this stuff good enough? Yes.

Sure, there is no cure for the common cold, but I almost look forward to it so I have an excuse to down some Silly-Quilly and sleep for 19.2 straight hours. If I was a doctor, this would be my grey-tape for illnesses. Some have said to me "But Dave, NyQuil actually makes me hyper!" Of course I lay the smack down and quickly explain that NyQuil is about 199 proof, or at least it feels that way, and if it makes you hyper then you probably have a heart condition or something. All give respect to the Vicks-Bomber, cause you know it does the trick...

Also available in Cherry flavor!


Things you might hear if you were in Steve's car (title by Mike) 

All that talk about sub-par music made me sick. Here are some refreshments:

Zoot Woman - Zoot Woman
Danger Mouse (DM) & Jemini - Ghetto Pop Life
Kenna - New Sacred Crow
The Stills - Logic Will Break Your Heart
Matthew Dear - Leave Luck To Heaven
Dan The Automator - Wanna Buy A Monkey?
Keb Darge - Keb Darge's Legendary Deep Funk Vol. 1, 2, and 3 (w/ Pete Rock)
Jackie Mittoo - The Keyboard King At Studio One
Dabrye - One/Three
Dilated Peoples - Expansion Team
Blackalicious - Blazing Arrow
Mr. Lif - I Phantom
Yanni - Yanni Live At The Acropolis (PSYCH!)



That Veronica Varekova is one sweet piece of Aisss! 

Ahh, new crushes. An addition to the Hix's competition, but I do it because she's simply amazing. Let me tell you something, Czech girls really are beautiful. That is why there are what we call 'Sex Trips' to Prague. I miss the life.VeronicaVarekova.jpeg


All hail sarah silverman 

In a strategic counter-programming move to our female counterparts over at Proximity... Sarah Silverman is a totally rightious Babe! You might remember her from her short stint on SNL, her days in the Mr. Show troupe, or her recent appearanceson Crank Yankers and in School of Rock or other half-good movies. Not only is she smokin' hot, but totally hilarious as well. Check out these quotes of her clever wit in action:

"I think I was about six when I saw my father's penis. I don't think it affected me because I was so young. And so drunk."

"If you take a shower with your boyfriend, I guarantee by the time you step out of that shower, your breasts will be sparkling clean."

In honor of v-day, I encourage all of you to bow before Sarah.



God, I hate Religious Idiots 

"Bush plans to back marriage amendment
Constitution would say marriage is union between man and woman"

"For months, conservative Christian leaders have complained about Bush's hesitation to flatly endorse a constitutional amendment on marriage."

What the fuck? Is this as important as ending slavery or giving the right to vote to all citizens of the US? I have to say, I'm not too high on marriage in the first place, but is there a need for an Amendment to the Constitution. Jesus Christ. If two people have a place where they can get married, Let them get married!!! Hell, why not allow a three way marriage, see if I care. It's not like marriage is what it used to be anyway.

In a lot of countries in Europe, people don't get 'married' at the church anymore or even at all. If you aren't religious, why do you need a marriage at church? The real question is what is the Gov.'s definitions of marriage and will the civil unions give the same rights to opposite sex marriages under the law.

By the way, Kerry has come out also "Against" Gay Marriage.


Willie Beaman keeps all the ladies cold creamin' 

Yesterday, as I stand in line at Best Buy I couldn't help but notice the three guys in front of me all holding the same CD: Kanye West's debut album College Dropout. Stilll longer I waited for a register to open up and low and behold four more dudes get in line behind me, all with Kanye West CDs (apparantly it came out yesterday). I was literally the only person in line who was not buying Kanye West, and for good reason. That song with Jamie Foxx - "Slow Jamz" - is fucking horrible. When I first saw the video I thought it was a joke. Jamie Foxx is all up in the grill of the camera throwing up hand gestures and what not (ala this photo). Has anyone heard this song? It's got this typical double time rhyme scheme (the kind 311 made popular) and one of those beats where the high hat gets all ill'd out in crazy double time underneath the vocals. I can't help but laugh when Jamie Foxx step to the mic because it is basically a dead-on mimicing of Willie Beaman's "Cold Creamin'" from the great Oliver Stone flick Any Given Sunday. Plus, the video is soooo low budget. I can't believe a song like this is going to be a hit. It sounds dated already and it just came out yesterday. Are you with me on this? Have you heard it?

Go here and click on "Slow Jamz" to watch the video.



Smile rises from the ashes? 

Damn shame. Chances are you've heard the album Pet Sounds, and yes it's fucking brilliant yada yada yada. Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys were set to record the follow-up Smile in late 1966 and 1967, but the project was canned by Wilson at the last moment. The mystery of the album has lived in infamey, and was heralded by those who got a small listen, as the Beach Boys finest hour.

Now Brian Wilson has decided to play six dates at London's Royal Albert Hall and perform Smile for the first time ever. Check out the article here on Slate. I'll agree with the writer that Smile is akin to the Ark of the Covenant in rock and roll history and should not be touched. The music is better as a mystery to us all. Now it is likely that at very least a live version of the music will be released. As much as I would like to hear this, I don't want to hear a washed up performer reinterpret something that has been held up to such a high mystique. Damn shame.



Keeping abreast of big government 

Everything I read by Mark Steyn is just awesome. Here's a great take on the ongoing Breastgate investigation of the Federal Communications Commission as well as a clever tie-in to the president's outlandish budget request.

Overall a great case against runaway government authority.


40 Years Ago Today 

Today marks the 40th anniversary of the Beatles' first appearance on the Ed Sullvian show. No one will argue that this moment represented a sea change in popular culture, so go home and listen to your Beatles CDs, tapes, records, 8-tracks, or watch your anthology videos and DVDs. Hell, you might even want to go out and pick up the new DVD of the Beatles Ed Sullivan performances.


Tattoo by Jack Handey 

Recently, I got a sex change on a whim. I was out drinking with some friends, got really drunk, and went in for the surgery. The doctors suggested I wait until I was sober, but I said no, give me the sex change.

Well, to make a long story short (so to speak), I woke up with breasts, a vagina, and a splitting headache. Also, I had a tattoo. I don’t remember where I got it, but there it was.

I was a woman for several weeks. The people at work were nice about it, but, to tell you the truth, I didn’t really have time to enjoy being a woman—I was swamped with projects. Finally, I decided to go back to being a man. For one thing, I hadn’t thought about how you need to change your whole wardrobe.

When I went in for the second surgery, I asked the doctor if he could also remove the tattoo while he was at it. He said, “But since you’re going to be a man again, wouldn’t you like to keep the tattoo?” I said no, man or woman, I didn’t want the tattoo.

I woke up from the operation, and I was a man again. But get this: I still had the tattoo! I thought, Am I crazy? I confronted the surgeon, and he said he thought we had left the tattoo part undecided. Now that I was a man, I felt like punching him, but I didn’t. Instead, I just made an appointment to come back and get the tattoo removed.

I should have been suspicious when I went back to the hospital and they put me under full anesthesia, because when I woke up I was a woman again but the tattoo was still there! They said it had been a mistake, and to make up for it they would do my next surgery for free.

I didn’t know what to do. I became depressed. I started getting hounded by my insurance company. They had covered my sex-change operations in full, but they said they didn’t cover tattoo removal. But I didn’t have a tattoo removal, I told them. They said they had already paid my doctor for one by mistake, and now I had to reimburse them. I called my doctor, and he said he hadn’t received any payment for tattoo removal.

I was so mad, I felt like suing someone. But who? My drinking buddies didn’t have any money, and I had no luck tracking down the tattoo parlor.

I gave up. I started hitting the bars and sleeping around. I don’t even remember if I was a man or a woman at that point. I felt a little cheap, so maybe I was a woman.

One night, after some meaningless sex, he or she turned to me and said, “You know, I really like your tattoo.” Something clicked in my head, and in my gut or maybe my uterus. I hadn’t realized it, but I also liked the tattoo. I was a tattoo person!

I called my doctor and told him the news: I wanted to get another sex-change operation, but I was going to keep the tattoo. He said I was an idiot. But I don’t care. If wanting to keep your tattoo makes you an idiot, then I’m the king of the idiots. Or the queen of the idiots—I have to look.



One reason why music is so great: 

As you all may know, I performed on Saturday night at our law school talent show. One of my professors from last year performed as well. He found out that I'm a HUGE Crowded House fan because I was originally going to perform one of their songs.

After the show, and my amazing performance, my prof came up to me and said he wanted to start a Crowded House cover band with me.

This is one reason why music is so great. I have more friends than I can count that are a result of my love of music. My prof would never have come up to me if I hadn't performed last night. Who knows what will come of our band. Based on my past experiences, I'm expecting that it will be good.

Cheers and love to all of my music friends.



Law Revue 

Attention all:
I will be playing in the talent show tomorrow night at IU-Indy School of Law. If any of you are in town, then show up at 7pm. The school is on the corner of West and New York streets. Hard to miss. The show is in the atrium.

$5 for a ticket which goes to charity and gets you booze and food.

I'm starting out with my Casio VL-Tone. It's the same little drum machine in that "Da Da Da" song by Trio. Then I come in with my axe and play "The Model" by Kraftwerk minus the German accents. Then, I'll flow seamlessly into "Our Lips Are Sealed" by the Go-Go's. If I'm well stretched, then I'll throw in some windmills and judo chops. I'm still debating whether to go acoustic or electric on this one. I'll have to wait until sound check to make the final decision.

The rest of the show will obviously suck. I think it's worth it just to see a Casio VL-Tone. That thing should be in a museum.

How fucked up is this? The first song I'm playing was written before I was born and the second one was written when I was 2. The drum machine is older than me and my guitar was made in 1972. I need to stop living in the past.


ID's NCAA Badass Squizad 

I know that of the individuals that partake in the consumption of this blog's goodness, many of you are college basketball fans, and rightly so coming from IU. Therefore, I have decided to lay upon thee my squad of All-Americans...names you need to know if you don't already, ptp'ers, sooper sensational studly hungwells, etc. Feel free to post your teams o' domination in the comments area...but we know ain't nobody gone fuck with these gurrs.

PG - Marques Green - St. Bonaventure's
(21.9ppg, 5.3apg, 3.8spg, 3.9 3ptmpg)
Wow, an all-A10 backcourt you say? Oh, 'tis true...but some might not have expected this guy, and many might not even know who he is. Well, this little (5'7"...and I think that's a lie) fucker is my favorite player in the nation, and I'll tell you why. He ranks 1st in the country in steals per game and 3's made...and is in the top 20 in scoring and assists. He's the real deal, folks, and reminds me much of a mini AI (which I said about GW's SirValiant Brown a few years back and didn't amount to squat post-graduation). Too bad he plays for a St. Bonnie squad that now sucks following last year's debacle.

UPDATE: IUPUI's Akeem Clark now leads the NCAA in 3s made...but I still loves me some Marques.

SG - Jameer Nelson - St. Joseph's
(20.4ppg, 5.2apg, 50% FG%, 3.4spg)
This guy's a flat-out stud. Highly tauted as one of the best players in the nation, his actions have wholeheartedly backed-up the prestigious acknowledgments. St. Joe's has still yet to lose, and this guy's the reason why. His stats are all towards the top among the nation's point guards, plus this dood's shooting 50%!!! 50% from a PG is unheard of...this foo is fo real.

SF - Odell Bradley - IUPUI
(23.3ppg, 8.2rpg, 2.7apg, 48% FG%)
Two words: pure stud. Coming off two 41 point performances in the past week, this monster of the Mid-Con is having people mention Sir Charles left and right due to his diminutive frame. Leading scoring SF in the nation and 8th overall, this kid keeps getting better each game. Bottom line is, you cannot fuck with Odell and never will, nuff said.

PF - Kris Humphries - Minnesota
(22.2ppg, 10.4rpg, 48% FG%)
Without any doubt at all, the best freshman in the country. This guy's doing it all up in Gopher Land and not looking at all like a fresh face from high school. Alongside Odell, he is one of two players in the country that post 20/10's like they're going out of style. He was supposed to go to IU...the Hoosiers wouldn't have anywhere to play him though with their stacked frontcourt.

C - Emeka Okafor - UConn
(19.1ppg, 11.2rpg, 4.8bpg, 61% FG%)
I think you'd be an idiot not to have Okafor as your center. Big points and big boards alongside insane blocks and FG% make this guy a superstar. Mark my words, he will win national player of the year and be a legitimate NBA powerhouse.

Waterboy - George Leach - Indiana
(8.0ppg, 4.0rpg, 59% FT%)
This guy's a bitch, kthnx.



You're the one that I want 

My vote for hottest MILF ever: Olivia Newton-John


She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine. 


Guilt by association 

We're all guilty of making a few ill-informed choices over the course of our lives. Some of them live on forever, and nothing could speak at greater volume about one's assumed past then the contents of their CD collection. I would like to take a minute to rundown five of my guiltiest CD purchases from the last 10-15 years, and then encourage the rest of you to ante up and admit the CDs you bought and wish you hadn't. So in no particular order here we go - with attempted justification.

Joe Satriani: The Extremeist, 1992
I know what you're saying... who the hell is this guy? He's a shedder. The type of guy you see posing in ads all over guitar magazines. I think my guitar teacher convinced me to pick this one up. For a year or two, the cut "Summer Song" was used by sony to market their Sports walkman line. As far as the music goes, it's just over-the-top soloing, like that guy at the guitar store who never shuts the fuck up, and keeps playing the solo to "Harvestor of Sorrow."

Guns n' Roses: The Spaghetti Incident, 1993
At the time of purchase, I thought this collection of old punk covers to be quite rockin', particularly they're version of Nazareth's "Hair of the Dog." In other ways, this is often judged as the beginning of the end (?) for GNR, and most critics completely panned the release. At the time, it was more Guns, and that's all a hard rock fan like myself needed at the time. Ten years later we're still waiting for Chinese Democracy to drop.

LEN: You Can't Stop the Bum Rush, 1999
Ok, "Steal My Sunshine" is a fucking great song, and anyone who doesn't think so can eat poopy. The song is all about that dude's raspy voice and that little drum fill at the end of each phrase (boom, chack-a-boom). As for the rest of the release, well I don't think I ever actually listened to the whole thing. I can tell you that tracks 2,3, and 4 all seriously suck. Apprantly the bum rush can be, and was stopped. This is that CD that always gets the "What the fuck?" reaction when people look through my collection.

EMF: Schubert Dip, 1991
What can I say here... I was just a small fragile mind in 1991, and I really had no idea what I getting myself into. This was the second CD I ever owned (Aerosmith's Pump was #1). In retrospect, I don't recall even enjoying the song "Unbelievable" very much. I'll be careful what I say about the EMF boys, as I know there is at least one of our readers is a HARDCORE EMF fan. To me, "Unbelievable" sort of sums up everything that was right and wrong about the early 90s.

Green Jello: Cereal Killer Soundtrack, 1993
For some reason I was under the illusion that this band was serious about music, and serious about rawking hard. Thanks to "Three Little Pigs", Green Jello (and later, for bogus reason, Green Jelly) was a Gwar for the masses. We all remember the video, but I'll bet I was the only one who acted on my impulse and actually paid for this music. I was in a band in 8th grade, our name was Temporary Insanity, and we tried out for the talent show by playing "Three Little Pigs." I think we were the only act in the history of the talent show to be turned away.

So that's that. Cough it up.



super bowls, & the super superstars who super them. 

Amidst the scandal of booby-exposure, many people are overlooking another horrible aspect of the half-time show: there was (and has been now for several years) some serious lipsynching going down. At times during "Hot In Herre" Nelly didn't even move his mouth, much less hold a mic to it. It's hard not to question whether there was a single ingredient of live musicianship in the entire show. This is completely asinine and know one seems to care that lipsynching is going down here. What happened to the era when Milli Vanilli was chastized for the same crimes? Granted, these performers did actually record their own songs. I'm sure their "Concerts" are the same facade as this halftime performance. Which once reaffirms my theory - mainstream pop music sucks serious ballz.


WTO Law Class Today 

File this one under "The Funniest Thing Happened to Me" file:

I'm sitting in my WTO Law class today. We just started going over the GATT.

There is an older woman who apparently comes from China who sits behind me. I get called on by the prof.

The woman behind me has a cell phone. Most of us do. Most of us, however, turn our phones off when we're in class. The Chinese woman's phone rang. This is not all too uncommon for some people forget to turn their phones off every once in a while, an honest mistake.

The problem started when this Chinese woman ANSWERED the phone. Yes, she began to have a conversation while I was engaged in discussion with the prof. I'm sitting there trying to respond to his question and all I can hear is this Chinese woman making plans for the weekend. How do I know she was making plans for the weekend? Well, this Chinese woman who supposedly had limited English-speaking abilities proceeded to go under the desk and have a conversation IN ENGLISH about her plans for the weekend.

Now, I haven't been to China. I don't know if it is common for the Chinese people to answer their phones and have conversations in the classroom. I have, however, been to most of Western Europe and sat in on classes in Romania. I saw cell phones go off in class, but no one ever answered them.

After a minute or so, the prof stopped our discussion to tell her not to take phones calls in class. She apparently did hear him. So, one of the other foreign students who knew Chinese stated that she probably didn't hear him and proceeded to walk across the classroom and tell her in Chinese that she should stop. This didn't work.

For 10 minutes this woman had a conversation on her cell phone in class. The entire class sat there with a "What the Fuck?"-look on their faces. The prof continued the discussion after we all determined that the Chinese woman was intent on taking the call which, according to what I could hear, involved her plans for the weekend.

Does the "cell phone culture" so strongly criticized in this country get worse overseas? I know in Romania that the ratio of cell phone users to the population was much higher than it is here. The reason is that land lines were not established very well during the Cold War and it is now much cheaper to have a cell phone. The government even subsidizes cell phones because they don't want to incur the costs of outfitting the entire country with reliable land lines.

My point? I don't think I have one other than it's a funny story. Does anyone have any insight into the "cell phone culture" in countries other than Romania and Western Europe?

Hopefully this post isn't too long.



Super bowl mvp: janet jackson 

Guilt is the first emotion to spring forth as I begin this post. Guilt for allowing myself to recognize (and hence promote) what was obviously one of the most daring, albeit tasteless PR moves in history. I think everyone's general reaction was that this was a mistake, and that Justin Timberlake did not mean to expose Janet's booby. Just to fill in those who didn't see it, Justin reached his arm across Janet's chest, and in a move that seemed to be choreographed in the dance steps, actually ripped open Janet's top on one side. Now that there are pictures available, you can tell quite clearly that Janet had a star pasted over her nipp, and was rather well prepared for the occasion. There is no way that CBS was aware of this, because if they had been there is no way they would have let it go down. Janet's booby, Paris Hilton, Pam & Tommy Lee, where do we go from here? I think we've officially taken sex, as a tool of promotion, to the extreme on TV and in Pop Culture. How will the stars of tommorow promote themselves when this right of passage becomes cliche? Will it become cliche?

Watch the video here.


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