I'd like to buy a "W" 

Tonight, I learned that it is possible for someone to be consistently inconsistent, thanks to the mind fucking wisdom of George Dub. Thus, a gateway was established enlightening me to the following:

It is also possible to be...

Thankfully unthankful
Malignantly benign
Practically unpractical
Coherently incoherenet
Skinally unskinny bop
Boutros Boutros-Ghali
and finally,


Tha Creamy Spice 

Via Thighmaster, Some of the best music news I've heard in a long-ass time: Digible Planets to reunite!

Funny that the other day Ali and I were just discussing how bullshit it is that they haven't reunited yet. Looks like they're in the studio cutting fresh joints now as we speak.

Also, is Blowout Comb not the most criminally underappreciated album of all-time? There isn't a whole lot of timeless hip-hop out there, but the two Digable Planets LPs still sound as fresh and groundbreaking as anything out today.

Also, does someone care to explain how they can possibly make a Neil Young greatest hits CD and limit the greatness that is Neil to only 1 CD??? There is a serious... massively huge... gargantuan void in this collection. Neil deserves a 4xCD box, ala Led Zeppelin's definitive set.



Conan the Severely Limited 

...or "How a Good Late Night Host Goes Bad."

Sounding the death knell for Conan O'Brien (five years out, no less), Adam Baer writes in The New Republic Online about how Conan will never be funnier than he is on his current show. Which is not to say he doesn't have the potential, but his recently announced commitment to take the reins of "The Tonight Show" in 2009 promises the end of the ingenious red-headed stepchild we currently know and love.

Perhaps Conan put it best on his show when, after noting the announcement in his monologue, jokingly told the audience "Huuuuge mistake." Let's hope not.

On a related note: by far one of the funniest things I have ever read is Conan O'Brien's Harvard University Class of 2000 Commencement Speech. Perhaps more amazing then how funny this speech is, is that it is so damn funny in text form. If anybody ever finds a video of the speech, I will be forever grateful. I can only imagine how funny it is supposed to be.

My take: I think, as much as I don't want to believe it, Baer is absolutely correct. The Tonight Show gig is a coveted prize, but the host is ultimately nothing more than a "company man."


Needle in the hay 

Elliot Smith's first posthumous release ("From a Basement on the Hill") is due out October 19th.

Maybe there's a clue about his death in there somewhere, but the title to this CNN.com piece indicates that finding it will be like finding a needle in a haystack.

Hat tip to Lips Brothers for the link.

UPDATE! (From Ole Macky) - you can download a tune from this record at Insound, or right here:Elliot Smith - "Twilight"



My life in real time 

Over at the Blog Formerly Known as Proximity, the latest post is a biographical account of one's day, for the sake of adding content (funny story too).

In that vain, I've decided to tell you about my lunch hour. I went to Havana Cafe, the locals' favorite Cuban restaurant. As we were wrapping up the bill business, my friend kept exclaiming "Oh my God! I'm gonna be in so much trouble for being late! Oh my God!" Repeatedly assuring her that she'd be fine, I smugly pondered how casual and flexible my job is.

Making the drive back, I was unable to turn into the street my office is on because of latent traffic from the intersection [trust me, this is not as irrelevant as it sounds]. So I proceeded on to the next street down, intending to make a big circle around the block to my destination. Waiting at a light, I noticed a cop turn in, going the opposite direction. He let the car behind him pass him and then stopped. "Whatever" I thought. As I made my way around, I noticed another cop, but assumed it was the same one...then another. Pulling into my spot, I grabbed the take-out requested by my boss and headed into my building, stopping briefly to examine the police car parked at the entrance of our parking lot.

Cut to 40-60 minutes later, after two false witness identifications, an ID check, and a local news crew on the scene, I musingly sauntered to our back patio to have a smoke. If it wasn't so damn absurd, I would've been pissed.

Yes folks, I was ID'd as a bank robber.

Turns out a bank was robbed around the corner , by someone fitting my description. To be fair, the description was ucannily similar: dark skin (turned out to be Hispanic), brown shirt, blue jeans, dark hat. Also my circuitous route around the neigborhood didn't help, notwithstanding that I drove willingly into a block-full of police cars, and then parked. Now I'm sure everybody on or reading this blog has at some point been stopped and questioned by police, either for a moving violation (speeding, drinking) or just being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Happens to me all the time, especially living in Phoenix -- it's just a fact of life and I don't turn it into a reason to carry a "minority victimization" ethos. I was actually just talking about the benefits of racial profiling with someone recently.

Anyway, what made the incident "very much like a Vonnegut novel" (as my boss put it), was that had I actually robbed the bank, I was probably the most loyal bank robber ever. Who would go back to work after that? The first cop came in after I had sat down at my desk. The person at the front desk informed him that "the guy with a brown shirt who just ran in" is an employee. That cop figured it out pretty quick. The second team of cops were not so quick: after determining that I was in fact an employee of the business they were standing in front of, brought me outside for questioning. It didn't occur to them how odd it was that a bank robber would run back to work. Short of that, it didn't seem wierd that a "perp" would run into an office building during business hours and casually walk around.

Needless to say, I didn't actually run. I'm a smoker...with asthma...living in hot-ass Phoenix. I suppose the styrofoam take-out box could look suspiciously like a money bag -- perhaps the big "$" on the side tipped 'em off.

So they questioned me, while I questioned them. The nicer of the cops, whose normal beat is apparently the central Phoenix projects, I think was just happy to have a suspect who wasn't yelling and swearing at him in Spanish. Also I was wearing cologne. He had to separate me from one of the more hostile officers, who hadn't, unlike the others, yet grasped on to the absurdity of the situation. As we waited for the first witness to show up, we managed to chat about what a great store Marshall's is, how good the food at Havana Cafe is, how much I love the Midwest, and what a shitty day this had become. If I had only taken lunch at my normal hour, this would've never happened.

The wait was nerve-racking, and I didn't even have the joy of knowing the stash of cash in my office would be safe. No, I was worried that some yenta, 19-year old bank teller (I used to work in a bank), still in shock, would mistakenly identify the better-looking, well-dressed version of the real bank robber. I know Joe Q. Law was just waiting for vindication.

"You want me to step forward? Okay." I was standing fifteen feet from a girl (see above for description) sitting passenger side in a police truck. It suddenly became much warmer as I stepped into the sunlight. My eyes dilated quickly as I focused on the Channel 3 news van, camera man already positioned for prime time footage of the bank robber take down. "Oy, this I don't need!" I thought. "Oy, this the company doesn't need!" was what our attorney was thinking, as I saw the wheels turning in his head. The witness was teary-eyed, but I tried not to look at her for fear of being accused of intimidation (I watch Law & Order dammit!).

We shook hands with the cops, they apologized for taking our time, yadah yadah. I just lit my cigarette when my co-worker came running back to the patio: "They need you to come outside again."

"For the love of!---son of a!" We went through the process again. It occurred to me that I've never wanted to get back to work so much in my life. Obviously, the news team left disappointed that they didn't get the scoop.

As I write this, the cops are still stationed around the block, maintaining a perimeter. With my luck, when I leave to go home, the 2nd shift will be in place, having not communicated with the 1st, I'll have a nighttime version of the above story.

The whole episode was summarized nicely by a brief exchange between two of the cops. The 1st cop, who had come inside to inquire about me, left soon thereafter. He came back to join the big party developing in the parking lot. Walking up to the fellows who were questioning me, he pointed at me and said to his buddy:

"This guy works here."
"We know," replied the interrogator.
The 1st guy just lauged and shook his head.
Me: "See? He gets it!"


I Challenge You to a Djewel! 

Check this out. There just aren't enough sword fights this day in age.

That reminds me of another personal fave Jack Handey:
"If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something."


It's On Like Jon 

Over at Wonkette, check out the transcript of Jon Stewart's appearance / showdown on the Bill O'Reilly Flaktor.
O'REILLY: You actually have an influence on this presidential election. That is scary.
STEWART: If that were so, that would be quite frightening.
O'REILLY: But it is. It's true. I mean, you've got stoned slackers watching your dopey show every night, OK, and they can vote.
O'REILLY: You can't stop them.
STEWART: Yeah, I just don't know how motivated they would be, these stoned slackers.
O'REILLY: Yeah, it just depends if they have to go out that day.
STEWART: What am I, a Cheech and Chong movie? Stoned slackers?
You gotta love to hate that sonofabitch. Jon gets his homefeild advantage in a few weeks when O'Really comes to the Daily Show.



Protest Auction from Under the Radar 

So Under the Radar is holding an auction. I'm really starting to dig this magazine. Anyway, "On October 1st, you will get a chance to bid on protest signs autographed by great bands such as INTERPOL, DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE, PEDRO THE LION, Emily Haines of Metric, [the almighty Yoko Ono] and more. All proceeds will be donated to Music for America(mfa)." A good cause.

Here is the Protest Auction. I think it is a very cool idea, filled with posters made by different artists and signed on the back. I really like the Brighteyes and Interpol ones. I'm sure David Cross' is great, but I can't read it...only that it is an Ashcroft quote. And the one with Bush saying how he is the commander and therefore does not need to explain himself is great too. I preferred Emily Haines' posters with "The Meek are Getting Ready" "Fight off the Lethargy" to the ones she is auctioning off here though.

There is also anUnder the Radar Bonus Protest There are some quick interviews with different musicians about the history and present of musicians and their positiions in Politics. I think that Death Cab for Cutie and Emily Haines of the Metric had the most relevant and intelligent things to say about Music and Politics.

In a mostly unrelated note, I saw this Fucked movie called Morvern Callar. It is made by BBC Films and others..roughly two years old. It is a crazy, crazy movie. I don't know if anyone has seen it, but I recommend checking it out. I knows that the I-Dids would dig. It's got a pretty solid sound track as well including Velvet Underground and Aphex Twin. What can I say, the crazy films have been coming my way lately. Rock on to crazy media. Check out at AllMovie.com


As Robert Plant Often Uttered: 25!!!! 

Remeber how he used to say that pointlessly during the longer live versions of "Whole Lotta Love", "Dazed and Confusion" and such? Ok, nevermind then.

So anyway - 25. That's how old I'll be come next weekend. On Saturday October 2 Ali is throwing me a party at our place and I like it if alls y'alls could make it down for a night of BBQing and binge drinking at the house that Yogi built. Official kickoff is 7pm, but please feel free to show up early. If you're staying at the apartment bring a sleeping bag and something to sleep on if you like (we have carpetted floors and a few extra places for people to crash).

Here's a map

Let me know if you plan to come by leaving a comment, or at 812 219 4366


Dope Spots: Won't You Please Hit Them? 

Just thought I'd get everyone caught up on some shows that are coming up.

9.23 - RJD2 - The Patio
Solid DJ in the martial arts of Electronic / Soul / Turntablism playing at the Patio this evening.

10.3 - PJ Harvey - The Vogue
Ole Polly Jean drops by the Vogue in a few weeks. What can I say? I never been a huge fan, but she's a legend and her show always gets huge props from all who attend.

9.30 - Impossible Shapes / Magnolia Electric Co - Bluebird
My favorite Bloomington-based band comes into the Bluebird next week with Magnolia Electric Co (aka Songs: Ohia, aka Jason Molina). I'll definetly be in attendance for this tasty ragefest.

9.30 - Rich Robinson - Uncle Fester's
Yup, that's Rich from the Black Crowes - and he's playing Uncle Fester's of all venues. I used to love the Crowes back in the days of Amorica, and I'd really like to see what Rich can do by himself, particularly in a small time venue like Festers. Christ, my old shitty band used to play there! Too bad it's the same night as Shapes / Magnolia.

10.25 - Guided By Voices - Bluebird
GBV just put out their last album, and after this tour they're done for good (at least under that name and currect lineup). This is your last chance to check out "Guided By Voices."

10.12 - Rogue Wave
You might remember me posting a track by this band last week. Definitely for fans of the Shins and Built to Spill. Classic example of a show that only the Big City folks get. Lucky bastards. Two tracks right here. Go get you some!

10.29 - Junior Boys
I just heard the new Junior Boys record and it's the perfect match of the unmatchable. Dancey glitch beats, nintendo bleeps and boops. Last Exit - check it out. I'm strongly considering a weekend trip up for this and...

10.29 & 10.30 - Wilco
Two weekend shows by Chicago's finest. These are probably sold-out already, so good luck to all of us.



Quick-witted Bush Strikes Again 

Most of you have likely talked enough about our President and the race for the oval office. Still, I just love this quote from George's UN Speech, so I wanted to share it with anyone who hasn't seen/read the speech and invite comments, because I'm sure there will be derision and humor abound.

Our Commander-in-Chief, George W. Bush:
"We know that dictators are quick to choose aggression, while free nations strive to resolve differences in peace."

As Fred Kaplan of Slate asks, "was there a delegate in the chamber who didn't wonder at the irony?" I am quite sure that Bush was too arrogant and dense to see it.

Ironic indeed.

On another note, thanks to all who post here regularly, because even though this is my first post in months, I still enjoy reading this blog daily. Dap to you chaps, I shall try and stay more involved. How the hell are you guys anyway?


Last Gasp of High School 

I had quite the old skool confrontation this morning with this old codger on my way to work. This dude is literally doing 12 mph in a 30, AND he is riding his brakes on a straight away. What do I do? What any normal person on their way to work would do -I pass the old bastard on a double line. No big deal right? This guy got pissed hardcore. He was shaking his fist in pure fury. It didn't help that right after I passed him I got stuck behind a line of cars trying to turn left. He gets out of his car and walks up to mine. I calmly explained, noting his bright red kangol hat, that I had to get to work and that he has all damn day to play fucking golf. Blah blah blah "You could have gotten us both in an accident he says." "Sir" I say, "You're an accident waiting to happen driving that slow. Now call the cops if you must, but I gotta get to work and pay your social security."

Old man Kangol followed me for a few turns and then gave up.

BONUS STORY - high school style. I had a similar run-in my last year of high school. I was driving through some nieghborhoods with my friend Brian, smoking a couple of bowls. We were usually pretty good about keeping that kind of thing low and out of sight, but this time security was breached in a major way. We were casually cruising the subdivision streets, when at a stop sign I notice a mini-van behind me. "IT's A FUCKING SOCCOR MOM DUDE, AND SHE HAS A PAD OF PAPER ON HER STEERING WHEEL!" I say. I was positive that she was taking down my license plate number. So, I did what any rightfully paranoid stoner would do - step on the gas. I tore through some curvy neighborhood streets for about ten minutes. It wasn't until I decided to completely ignore all stop signs that I actually put some distance between my car and Capt. Soccer Mom - she was indeed following me. I finally managed to lose her and get back to my house. At that point, I decided it was best to remove all of my various bumper stickers and go incognito with my vehicle for the next couple of weeks. Lesson learned: if you're going to smoke pot in carmel, smoke it indoors.



Jesus vs Bush...the real battle 

Link to hott political ad



Can I put a Camera in the Lady Toilet Please? 

Here's a few links that alls y'alls might be interested in checking out.

Slate has the lowdown on how Ali G manages to get high-profile guests like Andy Rooney and Sam Donaldson on for interviews.

Have you guys seen these reworked GI Joe PSAs? Check them out while you can, Hasbro has already drummed up a cease and disist order.

Via Collegehumor, check out this acceptance letter for participation in a record setting anal gangbang. Yes, there is someone in an office somewhere that actually coordinates this kind of thing.

Also, check out these hilarious senior photos (with captions). My Personal Favorite ->

The World's first scratch and sniff webpage.



The space between... 

...what is and what could've been.

The New Republic has a great take on George Lucas' prodigious first feature film, THX 1138, the overwhelming promise of an unknown, yet uncompromising artistic vision and, well, what we have today. The irony of "George Lucas" as a commercial imprimatur, a "Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval" for overwrought, lowest-common denominator filmmaking is not lost on the author.
"Looking back, THX 1138 seems a distant, disturbing memory: that last burst of '60s radicalism before Lucas, along with hsi fellow Boomers, retreated to the suburbs.

"It's a jarring reminder that once upon a time, Lucas nursed genuine artistic ambitions and an earnest belief in cinema's aesthetic possibilities. But that was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away."

Upcoming DVD release be damned!


Calling Duncan Pinderpuss 

Franklin Scott Haag: If you're out there, this one is for you buddy. I remember the good ole days when you used to flip the sports illustrated calendar back to the Heidi Klum page, even when it wasn't her month.


Pacers trade Youngblood Harrington for Stephen Jackson 

Al, Pacer's Popular workhorse get's traded for Stephen Jackson, an equally hard working player who's ready to play for a championship again. And believe me, the Pacers shall take one this year. Outside of my love of the Al and his hard play, I think this is a great move for both sides. In all honesty, Al was the best 6th man in the league...but during the playoffs he was schooled and offered little boost to the Pace show that they were dyer need of against Detroit. Stephen Jackson will add that offensive boost that will help out when the rest of the team seems to be lacking.

On a related note, John Edwards has been signed by the Pacers to play basketball.



Do you speak American? 

Via The Suburbs Are Killing Us comes a link to explaining the composition process behind the music from Rudresh Mahanthappa's upcoming album. Mother Tongue: Do You Speak Indian? is a suite "based on melodic transcriptions of Indian-Americans responding to such a question in their native Indian language." Transcriptions of the human voice into both Western and non-Western musical forms is nothing new, but being able to pull it off is something altogether admirable. Included in the link are pdf.'s of his transcriptions.

As an aside, Rudresh is an acclaimed up-and-comer in the New York modern jazz scene. His chops are are as impressive as his name is unpronouncable. He's like Art Pepper on Robotussin.

One of his primary collaborators, Vijay Iyer, who is an innovator of piano and keyboard/electronics in his own right (and has been dubbed the new wunderkind by the critical elite, as well as NPR and Down Beat) is included on the above album.

My take: I'm glad to see someone be able to pull off a project like this, especially someone like Rudresh. Obviously American artists' fascination with Eastern cultures has become something of a cliche, and at its best is reverent but still reflects only a piqued curiosity ("What is this interesting music? How can I incorporate it to make something novel?"). And this is not to say I subscribe to some jingoistic notion of cultural authenticity, i.e. "Only an Indian can properly recreate Indian music!"

In fact, I usually think someone too steeped in one culture or another will tend to create an uninteresting simulacra of that culture (see, for instance John Zorn's Jewish/Hebrew string quartets). Ultimately, what makes this music so appealing , is that he's only seeking to make music, modern jazz specifically--not trying to make music "sound Indian" or "worldly" but simply using it as a springboard to make "American" music.

Also, it doesn't hurt to know that there's other Indian musicians out there like myself, who study jazz, and unlike myself actually have some credibility!


Best philosopher ever 

[...perhaps next to Robert Nozick, or J. S. Mill.]

A great, short interview in New Scientist with philsophical curmudgeon Jamie Whyte.

The really big mistake comes when you treat people as authority figures when they are not expert but simply well known. There is a terrible tendency to treat people as reliable sources of fact when in fact they are simply "important" people or people who happen to be in the news. It is doubly perverse when you consider who gets counted as "important". For example, the victims of train accidents appear on television as authorities on rail policy and celebrities endorse presidential campaigns as though they are expert on politics. It's sheer insanity.

...Take the British Medical Association, which is always making policy recommendations. A recent example was that the government should tax the fat content of food. Why does the BMA think it knows anything about how we should live? It may know that if I live a particular way I'll become unhealthy, but why does it think that it can tell me that I should value my health more than my chosen way of life? What makes its members think that they are in any privileged position to answer questions like that?

...Also, how do they know what the effects of a tax on fatty food would be? They're not specialists in the way that prices affect consumption and the way the economy will be affected by redistribution of spending from one part to another. They can't even anticipate the health effects of these things. They should shut up.

...It used to be that people would argue for a particular religious dogma or a clear religious doctrine. That is no longer what happens. The world is increasingly dividing into those who have "faith" and those who don't. It doesn't really matter what the faith is. That is why you now get "faith groups" coming together from all kinds of different religions.

...This is what I describe as the egocentric approach to truth. You are no longer interested in reality because to do that you have to be pretty rigorous, you have to have evidence or do some experimentation. Rather, beliefs are part of your wardrobe. You've got a style and how dare anybody tell you that your style isn't right. Ideology is seen as simply a matter of taste and as it's not right to tell people that they've got bad taste, so it's not right to tell them that their opinions are false.

Hat tip to Knowledge Problem.


Microsoft Word's Help section just got a little bit better 

Hat tip to Is That Legal? via Volokh Conspiracy.



Shoppers go cripple, sales go triple? 

It's a sad day for Ole Macky. Looks like I'll have an extra spot availble in my your-end CD top 10 now that Beck's new CD has been pushed back to a 2005 release date.

I allowed myself to be victimized by the hype machine today as I picked up the debut release from The Arcade Fire. Pitchfork awards the disc a 9.7, it's highest ranking review of the year and there's talk in many circles that this band is the Broken Social Scene of '04. I'll take that. Haven't listened to the whole thing yet, but I'm pumped to. Here's a few mp3s from the record that I've found online, the second one is my fave so far:

- "Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)"
- "Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)"
- "Neighborhood #4 (7 Kettles)"

In non-music news. Have you guys heard about how Philly is planning to blanket the entire city in Wi-fi? The city of brotherly hub. Slate has a piece on the next generation of wireless internet called WiMAX with a 30 mi max range. Before long, most cities in the US will provide wireless access. It's unlikely that it will be free however (unlike the wireless access I currently enjoy from my not-so-computer savvy neighbor). It's interesting to think where this kind of wireless capability will take us, and how hoverboards may or may not be involved.



Resfest Film Festival Chicago 

This is a Digital film festival that looks like a top pick SHOW of the year.

The event is compromised (click on 'Films' at the top of the page) of Film Shorts, 5 different sets. These shorts are seperated by some type of theme including the latest and greatest animation, a stretch between real life and fantasy, and political themes (including a short by Michael Moore). He is only 1 of 22 all of which seem to be pointing out some sort of flaws with our system approximately since 4 years or so ago. There is also a theme of shorts showing off the preeminent graphics design around.

Also showing are sessions showing the finest music videos from the best creators of our this past year or so. Including, but not limited to Beta Band, Modest Mouse, Muse, RJD2, Steriogram, The Shins, Madvillain, Chemical Brothers...Aphex Twin, Prefuse 73, Squarepusher, and many many more.

Finally, there is a Featured Film, of which in Chicago will be another documentary on Surfing by Thomas Campbell who previously created a great one called, "The Seedling". This one looks to be even better as it includes more waves from all over the world.

Also included are some other cool ass shit and a party or two where one can meet the filmmakers and at the same time get Big Schwilly Style. The schedule is all weekend, that costs $65 to see all that is available. Or one can go to just one showing at at time for $8-10 each.

Let me know who wants to come to Chi-town and you can make a reservation at the A-Rocks household. One can be sure that I shall not miss it for a damn thing.

Bonus: to all those who are on the East or West coast, it's playing all over the world, so you won't miss it either.


Yankin' My BTTF Crank 

Finally! Turn those jean pockets inside out, because after years of waiting for production kickstart, hat company Miraj Caps has finally picked up the slack and released the color-change cap as seen in the seminal favorite Back to the Future II. Though the release date was never mentioned in BTTF2, we can assume that the cap is being released approximatly 10-11 years early.

Next up, we need Pizza Hut to re-release those sweet-ass limited-edition shades, or at least the mini-pizzas that become big pizzas in that oven-type thingy.

Here's a few other BTTF2 favorites:

Hoverboard - The Truth revealed (via snopes)
Nike Power Lace Boots - 2-dope
Mr Fusion - When will I be able to install one on my ride?



Brothers Past is the Future? 

Keeping with our "Music" Theme, I went to see a group called Brothers Past on Saturday night at the Abbey Pub. I went out with a few brohems of my 'Jammin' past, Hix would know...Hump, Mike Conners, Pete and Willy (Pete and Will are still B-town). In either case, I found this group to be off the hooky. They were jammin with the best of them, but what sets them apart is there background, constant setting of Drum and Bass. It's a jam that I think even the I-Dackass can appreciate.

All needs to take a listen here.

Here's a couple quotes from the 'press' about the band and their cds,

"Elements has style. It's one of the first great post-Phish trance-fusion albums and sounds like Pink Floyd jamming with Sasha and Digweed in Brian Eno's bedroom."
- Richard Gehr, author of The Phish Book

"Part Pink Floyd, part Radiohead and all captivatingly bizarre, Brothers Past fills almost 64 minutes with beautiful-sounding paranoia about the thoughts that creep into your mind when you’re trying to sleep."
- www.seaoftranquility.org


9/8 is the new 4/4 

One of the best songs, from one of the coolest releases of the year. Personally, I didn't think it was possible to write a catchy pop tune in 9/8, but these guys prove me wrong big time. Download Rogue Wave's Every Moment from Subpop (scroll down, it's on the left).

Congrats to all the week one Fa-nasty football winners and loosiers, and best of luck to all those hoping to get a few more points from tonizzie's game (think you're TE can pull five points Doktor?)



Mako vs Geist...beeeitches! 

Best release of the year is due to come out Tuesday. DJ? Acucrack's Mako vs Geist is some mega shit. If you like drum 'n' bass (Dieselboyesque hardcore techstep), buy this shit. 'Twill blow you away. And buy Bjork's Medulla while you're at it.


I Have Been to the Promised Land 

Hola las amigas! 'Tis good to be back on the blog. First off, sorry Steve about the stein upside the dome. That truly sucks ass. I only question your judgment for defending Ritter (Ritter = trouble). Now I would like to gladly confirm the rumor that there are weed bars in Vancouver. Nick the Hippie and I have been toolin' out West for a few weeks after moving me to Jackson and we have reached the promised land.

Upon entering Vancouver, we went to the West Hastings area of town and within five minutes had bought some super duper hella stellar chronic from a Hell's Angel, the group that operates the dealin' around the cafe part of town (too clowin'). After buying the shizzle, we went to the New Amsterdam Cafe and proceeded to get baked as hell in a public establishment. Everybody there was smoking hella weed like I always imagined the real Amterdam to be. 'Tis the stuff of dreams, mis amigas. I would also like to add that the women of Vancouver are better than B-town, yes, better than treasured B-town. Foreign, fine and travelling in flocks. After shredding fresh powder in Jackson for a few months, I will be setting my sights on this town for a more permanent establishment and would recommend it to ya'll. 'Tis the stuff of stoner dreams.



Steve Gets Hit In The Face With Beer Stein Alternate Endings 

"I'd lick your asshole." It was when I heard this "pick-up" line that I realized that any shred of civility this group of neanderthals may have had left was lost for the remainder of the evening. We (or some of us that is) had become the demise of every female in the city of St. Louis. Perhaps this was the product of having been in the woods for 2 days with nothing but balls and shaft. But I wondered to myself, was I the only one who whacked it in Jared's shower before we left for the evening? Apparently so. Having a beer stein cracked over my face outside of a bar was not how I expected the night to progress. Always the pacifist, stepping between Ritter and an enraged frat beast was my attempt at diffusing a situation before it grew to disaster. Little did I know, I should have just let Ritter's ungrateful ass take it in the face. Here's a re-cap:

While a handful of us were in the parking lot preparing to leave, a car pulled up along side of us. In the driver's seat was a female ( also 2 guys and another girl in the car) who proceeded to call Ritter a "fucking asshole" for reasons the rest of us did not question. Why would we? Instead of apologizing for the harassment that occurred inside the bar, Ritter opted to bark at the female like a dog. It was at this point that her friend/boyfriend stepped out of the car. As the frat beast approached to start a fight with Ritter, I confronted the lab animal in an attempt to ask for a kind reprieve. With hands in the air and plea in mid-sentence, the wookie pulled a beer stein from behind his back and cracked it over my face. A struggle between Cake, Jared, the protosapien, and a friend of his ensued. This incident of course put me in the St. Louis ER, where I spent 7 hours in the waiting room. Let me tell you, 7 hours is a long time to do a lot of thinking. I replayed the situation over and over again in my head. I thought about things I could have done, alternate endings and such, some even fanatical. Thus, I give you my Steve Gets Hit In The Face With Beer Stein Alternate Endings.

After being hit, I turn green, rip my clothes off and overturn the car.

I make a gesture to the psychopath to stop at mid strike and ask to be voluntarily given the stein. He reasonably obliges. I then turn, walk towards Ritter and jack him in the face with the stein. All parties leave happy and satisfied.

As the two men exit the vehicle, the rest of us begin to jerk off wildly. This confuses the men and they drive off sick and disturbed.

Need I say more?

As the Yeti-like monster strikes me in the face with the beer stein, my liquid metal face absorbs the stein along with his hand, at which point my hands turn into blades and I slice him in half.

All fighting parties drop trow and begin running around with our pants around our ankles, frantically rubbing our asses on one another. Also, really good ass rubs actually have the potential to knock dudes out.

Just as the mammalian freak strikes me in the face with his beer stein, myself, along with my comrades, stare blankly with disappointment. As if on cue, we each simultaneously draw a pair of chrome .45s from the rear of our waste line and pump the beast and car full of lead.

I bite the wild bastard's face off and then make a skin suit out of his girlfriend.

After being slammed with the stein and as the two meat heads are occupied with Cake and Jared, I approach the girl in the driver's seat, pull her from the car and proceed to kick the shit out of her while simultaneously slapping her in the face with my cock.

As the dumb cracker motherfukcer strikes my smiling face, my entire body stiffly falls to the ground, still smiling. Confused, the dumb cracker examines me further and realizes that it is really just a cardboard cut out of me. In fact, he realizes that everyone else in the parking lot are really just smiling cardboard cut-outs. The dumb cracker realizes that he has been fooled by an illusion and we have disappeared. Then the St. Louis arch disappears too.


Is it THAT time of the month? 

Oy, I didn't need to hear this.

Study shows men also suffer from PMS.

As a guy who has almost all female co-workers, hangs out with a girlfriend and her female roommate/girlfriends most of the time, and until recently lived with a girl, there was some concern that I would start having "sympathy cycles."

Now that you mention it, my ankles do feel swollen every now and then...
"It's really important for men that if they are suffering they feel they can talk about it and seek treatment."

Oh my God! This is endless fodder for those leftist academic social theorists who want to convince the world that gender differences are purely a social construct. In the meantime, they're happy with the feminization of men.

Some good and bad news though:
...a [sic] American study said that those who complain of hot flushes, excessive sweating, depression and a lack of sex drive are probably suffering the side effects of being overweight, lazy, smoking and drinking too much.

Phew! Good news is I don't have PMS. Bad news is, my lifestyle choices mean I'm screwed!


Vanity (Travelogue, Part II) Post 

[Part I was supposed to be the picto-recap of my Euro-trip, which I never got around to]

A couple weekends ago I made it up to San Diego for Street Scene, the 20th Anniversary edition. The lineup was pretty decent and the recently revived Gaslamp Quarter in downtown San Diego is something to be envied. The nearby convention center provided ample parking. We got to catch Black Eyed Peas, Galactic, the return of A Tribe Called Quest (it was everything I hoped it would be), and Ludacris in between the songs of Ben Harper (feat. the church organ-like vocal accompaniment of the Blind Boys of Alabama) on the first night. Unfortunately we didn't make it back the second night to catch Social Distortion, John Butler Trio, or G. Love. Instead we went to the hip beach district for dinner and got our car towed [doh!].

Last weekend, we made it up to Las Vegas. Thanks to Southwest Airlines, a roundtrip from Phoenix can cost under $80. We stayed the first night at Harrah's, and the next two at the Crowne Plaza Suites, a two minute walk from the Hard Rock. The understood tradeoff of staying here is that, even though it's a quiet, small, no-casino, all suites dig, it's also a quiet, small, no-casino all suites dig. One need not wind around for 10 minutes from the front door to your room. And they had a complimentary shuttle service that we took most fo the time to get around. I highly suggest staying there, recently renamed Atrium Suites. I only got to play Blackjack ("they might as well call it Whitejack!") for about an hour. Using my proven counting technique, I was still able to walk away with 50-60% of my buy-in.

Also, not so much my travels, but related nonetheless, I was happy to spend an evening with J-Rod (and some of his work buddies) here in Phoenix. I was disappointed (as I'm sure he was) I didn't get to show him the livelier side of the Tempe bar scene, on an unusally docile Wednesday evening. Instead we played billiards and examined promotional lube...don't ask. The evening ended with me promising him a ride home as we walked up to the spot from where my truck had just been towed--I'm starting to notice a pattern here.

Finally, I bought my ticket to Chicago for the end of October. I'll be tooling around the Midwest for a couple days, sure to include stops in the Polis's (Indy- and Minneap-) and Milwaukee, with the in-betweens in the Lincoln Park/DePaul/Wrigleyville area. I'll be sure to holla at my boys.

A recap: Since I've come back from Europe, I've been to Park City, Utah, Los Angeles (2X), San Diego, Tucson and Vegas. I guess living in 'Zona isn't as bad as I make it out to be.


Twelve Class Fives = One Class Sixty 

To all I say wha'shup. Let us not speak ill of the Colts fine performance and Edge's poor hands last night. We'll get those bastards someday.

Now for some important business. When was the last time you were almost killed? Whenever that was, I bet you remember it being pretty exciting. Now, a few words from Jared:


Last weekend = drinking, butts in face, letting air out of rafts, Ritter, Nowak getting wrongfully smashed by a drunk. That was last weeks debachery (fun until hospital trip).

Now it is time for the annual Gauley trip. All of you who participated last year know the craziness that is involved with this river. "Rated as one of the best whitewater trips in the world". Over 12 class 5+ rapids go along with this trip. Anyone that is serious about going must have money in my brother's hands by Sept. 22. No exceptions! Everyone is welcome. There are currently 8 people attending and more are welcome. Oct. 7-11 are the dates. Friday we leave at 6am and return on Monday the 11th.

Darren Connor: 812 696 0200 All are invited.



Purebreads Bitches 

Colts 28, New England 17. Bring This shit.



Love with Women across America, Bush gives Thumbs Up! 

I'm not sure how many of you have heard about this yet, but you are going to love it. This is going to have to be the funniest quote so far for this group, full of big boobie grabbin, tongue lappin, pee lovin fools. No doubt that next Bush will be pushing for "Exclusive Pee Drinking" for lawyers to make America Beautiful again...right Grant?? A comedian couldn't think of something funnier to say, seriously. I think Bush missed his calling.

Check out the quicktime spot, OB/GYN

Would he think the same if the OB/GYN was a woman???



1st Lesson: How to Take a Fall! 

If for no other reason then the very clear realization that we need something other than a picture of a guy pissing in some chick's mouth (for which Grant reasoned "It only had 3 dicks, why not?"), check out this column on that other great trilogy of the 1980s, from ESPN's The Sports Guy.

Also, I hear that the shit hit the fan in Southern Mizz this weekend. Howzabout a roundup post from the guy with stitches in his face?



Pee Pee is Gooooooooood! 

Here is a great article on how pee pee is good for you.

In case you can't make enough pee pee to be part of your balanced diet, then click here for people who are willing to supply you for free.



Hoosier Dealer? 

[The original post title was so good, I just had to steal it]

Via displaced Hoosier The Agitator, comes this op-ed by columnist Dan Carpenter in the Indianapolis Star. The topic? Indiana's gubernatorial race and minor indiscretions with drugs:

So Gov. Joe Kernan smoked a little weed as a young buck and Mitch Daniels got busted for drugs in college. Who cares about indiscretions from 30-odd years ago, anyway? Who among boomers dares to cast first at the once-stoned? Can't we just move on? What about the issues?

I thought, since most of you have some connection to Indiana, you'd find this interesting. Also, the Star is giving away a free Colts hat with every new subscription.


Stuck On ODB 

We needs us an update today... so, a little good news for The Last Donnoe - courtesy of Stereogum:
On September 14, Spike TV and Ol’ Dirty Bastard will premiere what sounds like the greatest show ever. Stuck To ODB challenges a normal individual to stay within 10 feet of the rapper for five full days. Should this person achieve the daunting task, he or she will win $25,000.


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