Via The Morning News, there's a great article here on the origin and use of the umlaut in heavy metal band names such as Mötley Crüe. To me, whenever I see an umlaut I'm immeadiately reminded of Lemmy Kilmister from Motörhead, and more specifically reminded of the two gigantic moles on his face. Perhaps those two moles were the original inspiration for the umlaut.

Off the subject, I'm off to DC this weekend. Hopefully I'll have some photos for alls yalls when I get back.
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Via Swamp City via Hit & Run, the Washington Post has a story on the fugliest fish in the East.

Look if you dare

Update: Apparently the fish is so hideous, that the US Secretary of the Interior Gail Norton moved to ban the import of the snakehead last July.

It's really not that bad.
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Even though the Olsen twins are still only 17, there's plenty of speculation surrounding their upcoming 18th birthdays on June 13th. Some hopeless geeks even go so far as to create this flash animation to commemorate the event (via Fleshbot). Grant, you wouldn't know anything about that now wouldya... flashmaster 3000

Personally, I think all these pedophiles need to stop obsessing over a couple of malnourished-looking 17-year-old "Gims" (thx Byro). There are plenty of real women out there to drool over.
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I just got word that parents have breached the security of 1.21 Gigawatts. It appears that my dad - Steve Hicks - has been spying on his boy Ole Macky. Feel free to lecture me in the comments section if you like. However, no bringing this site up at family dinners Pops. Grandma doesn't need to know the definition of arabian goggles. For those of you who forgot:

Definition 1: When you place your balls over a chick's eyes.
Usage Example: "Betty wore Arabian Goggles on our very first date!
See Also: Norman Helmet, Roman war helmet

Swing by here, for a "Turd-word" of the day.
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On Thursday, April 29th, the band Y-O-U will be performing at Birdy's in Indy. This is the band from the "Strong Bad Sings" album. Also, a couple of the band members were in some of my music classes in undergrad at IU-Bloomington. They were also in the IU Soul Revue among other things. Does anyone remember the public access channel in Bloomington? Mark Cobb, the drummer, had this show on there when I was a sophmore or junior. He and this other guy would sit in their kitchen with a karoke machine. They would play what sounded like porn music and sing along to it making up the songs as they go. They would also drink while doing it. It was some quality TV if you ask me. Check out Homestarrunner if you haven't already. Also check out Y-O-U's website here. These guys live in the Atlanta or Athens, GA area now.

Also, check out the band Any Trouble. They're not new. Their shit is really hard to find. If anyone wants to listen to them, then I'll burn you a CD or two.

Take it easy...
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Most of us here know Teddy Parker-Renga (aka Tedro, Theo, Flowing Locks). He recently had an article published in Louisville's Courier-Journal, about his travels in the Zealand. Swing on over and check that piece out, along with some photos taken by the man himself. Next time you see him, ask what he did with his spear and loin cloth.


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"Recently, Stephanie Howard got a pre-approved offer for a card with a $100,000 limit. Of the half-dozen offers she's received, this was definitely the largest. Her goal for the money: Buy a few things for her grandparents and her sister -- and a doll for herself. Stephanie is 4 years old."

The article also talks about a guy who received a credit app for his dog. So as a joke he filled out all his dogs likes and qualifications and so on. Then wrote on it, I am a canine, this is a joke in the comments section. Obviously, no one cared because not more than a week later a credit card arrived with $1500 credit on it. I just thought this would be a funny little quirk to all of us youngins who are having trouble enough getting some type of credit (or at least paying it off).

Speaking of dogs, anyone have any idea what happened to Ian??? Your cds are still here I-Drunky.
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Pitchfork is reporting on breakups of Guided By Voices, Orbital & Wu Tang. While I've never really been a huge fan of any of these groups, you'd be a fool not to recognize the impact each group has had in their respective genre. GBV's Robert Pollard annouced the breakup last night in NYC saying:

"That's it," Pollard reportedly said an hour into the set. "We are the kings of indie rock. When we quit, indie rock will die."

A duet project with co-king Ryan Adams has not, as of yet, been officially annouced. Expect a final album and tour before they disband in December of this year. I'm so out of the loop on Wu Tang, that I thought they unofficially broke up years ago, but apprantly their last album was 2001's Iron Flag, and were included on the Kill Bill vol. 1 soundtrack.

Kill Bill 3???
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After problems with the upload quota, I'm pleased to annouce that the house of pain is in effect y'all. Commence the bullshit.
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Gentlemen (and ladies):
I made this lame flash animation for this post. How obnoxious do you think it is?

Anyway, the picture is from a private concert by the Thrills. The opener was a local act, Pravada.

After the show, Shitstain and G-Spot got to speak with the bands. We were now "Jesse Lee" and "Casey Tennis." Pravada let us use their names to get into the Thrills/Phantom Planet show later that night for free.

My verdict? The Thrills put on a good show. They're like the Beach Boys meets the Strokes. Phantom Planet, on the other hand, was obviously playing to all of the teeny-boppers in the crowd. I thought I was on the "O.C." for a minute. They played all of their songs WAY too fast. They had one too many guitarists. Lynerd Skynerd would've been proud. Unfortunately, their sound was very muddy as a result. They did have a lot of energy, but I think they should have taken things down a knotch and maybe showed off their musical skills more.

After the show, Shitstain and G-Spot made it over to the bar across the street. The singer in Phantom Planet announced that they were all going over there after the show. Too bad all of the teeny-boppers weren't allowed in. That place would've been full of high school ass. Anyway, Shitstain and G-Spot ended up hanging out, drinking, and playing pool with the Thrills. A couple of the guys from Phantom Planet were there as well. The Thrills said we should all check out The Sleepy Jackson and Athlete, two groups they endorsed.
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A showing of our now growing ages...For All to See!! Has 4/20 now become like Easter and Christmas?? Has the Pusher Man now been passed off on these special days like the Bunny and Santa?? Did anyone actually celebrate (purposefully)?? I can remember the days not so long ago, when that was the true holiday of my life. hahaha. Wow, how times have changed. Now, I've quit to try to get a job. I'm not sure whether to be happy or sad. Am I more responsible and able to understand the words that are coming out of people's mouths (probably)?? Am I drinking more to replace the void (not possible). Not sure, but I just wondered what you're thoughts were on this one.

I have a Great Pic of Mari-juan-a but I can't upload it...quota problem??
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In an over-saturated market of music magazines, the leading contender for special achievement in utter shit belongs to Maxim spinoff Blender. The most recent issue, featuring the overexposed uber-skank Courtney Love, has a countdown of the 50 worst songs of all-time. Via The Arizona Star, the top ten...

10. "Ebony and Ivory," Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
9. "American Life," Madonna
8. "Party All the Time," Eddie Murphy
7. "Don't Worry Be Happy," Bobby McFerrin
6. "The Heart of Rock & Roll," Huey Lewis and the News
5. "Ice Ice Baby," Vanilla Ice
4. "Rollin'," Limp Bizkit
3. "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" Wang Chung
2. "Achy Breaky Heart," Billy Ray Cyrus
1. "We Built This City," Starship

A few qualms with this list. First off, c'mon, Bobby McFerrin? The guy's only hit song didn't have ANY instruments in it at all. That's merit right there - the guy deserves better. 2ndly, We Built this City may be one of the worst songs ever committed to tape, but it's still the greatest roller rink anthem ever. Isn't that good for something?

Don't miss the inevitable VH1 countdown, slated to air May 12, then May 13, 14, 15, 16 (twice), 17 (six times), etc
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Artist Brian Ewing has his first art show in San Fran on Friday, 04/23. He is a favorite of mine on the rock art scene and we stay in touch via email. Check out his website:

www.brianewing.com






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[I had been waiting to do one large vanity "here's what I've been reading, listening to, watching" post, but I'll let this one slip early.]
Bringing Down the House is the true account of a handful of MIT students who devised a team system for taking casinos as Blackjack. It's a pretty amazing story and a very quick read -- I read it in two nights. They don't dwell on or get too technical about the math involved, but rather focus on the drama and narrative of leaving Cambridge, Massachusetts a nerdy engineering student and arriving in Vegas as a high-rolling whale with keys to the top floor suite.

You may have already heard of this book, or heard a couple of the guys in it on NPR or CNN, but it's a fun, almost inspring read. Being that I am a five hour drive from Vegas, I've been there a number of times, many times on a whim. So I'm familiar with the layout of Vegas and how many of the specific casinos look and feel. I actually read this book a couple days before my last trip (alas, I was unable to make it this past weekend for Phish's three night run) and never walked away from a 21 table without a tidy profit.

Bottom Line: The writing could use some improvement, but the story is killer. This WILL be turned into a screenplay within two years.
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Either, I used to be a huger stoner and forgot, or I had never heard of this before. LeboswkiFest is just an awesome idea. What a great tribute to all those god damned HIPPIES!!! And all those who just drank and smoked in College. I can say this with complete confidence that any man in our generation who has ever smoked or drank considers this one of the best movies of our generation. The "Dude", the characters (so many great actors), the hilarious exchanges especially with John Goodman (Walter)..."shut the fuck up Donnie...Life does not start and stop at your convenience you miserable piece of shit." "8 year olds dude" The Big Lebowski has to be the most quoted movies I have ever known. I can remember, I think I can remember Sophomore year when it came out....all I did with my friends for at least a full month was get stoned, drink white russians during the day, beers (if at night), and watch this movie. I have a feeling that there is no reason for us to miss this show. From what I read it will be just a debachery of Lebowski games, contests, the outdoors, acting like idiots and being a BUM. Eventhough the bums might have lost, they still win in the end. Besides, My Morning Jacket will also be playing, and I am guessing will rock out a lot of their new cd.
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Yo yo yo yo yo, boyeeez. Just thought I'd let all you fools know that I've redesigned the "This is Heavy" section so that we can all stay up-to-date on what the next guy is listening to. I've assigned each of you a temporary pick based on your likes and dislikes. That will remain until you make me aware of what you'd like to have there. Just send me and email or leave it in the comments and I'll adjust. Then anytime you get into a new disc, let me know what it is and I'll update the pick for you.
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The world's smallest cellphone, or the world's largest man? (Via Gizmodo)

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Via Marginal Revolution, this Washington Times piece highlights an Indiana University professor who is attempting to do for basketball what Bill James is doing for baseball, namely harnessing the power of statistical analysis to determine who really makes a difference to the team.

Professor Wayne Winston apparently got the idea after a conversation with IU wunderkind alumnus and former student Mark Cuban. Naturally, Winston is now consulting for the Dallas Mavericks.

Bottom Line: who are the hottest players according to the "Winval" system?

2002-3 Season
1. Kevin Garnett
2. Tim Duncan
3. Dirk Nowitzski
4. Scottie Pippen
5. Richard Hamilton

2003-4 Season
1. Hedo Turkoglu
2. Vince Carter
3. Kevin Garnett
4. Brad Miller
5. Manu Ginobili

Apparently Kobe, Shaq, and Tim Duncan don't crack the top 10. Interesting.
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Saying you're a fan of the Beatles, is like saying you like pizza. It's not exactly unique, but rather expected. Not everyone is a fan of Metallica, but you will have to admit that James Hetfeild's voice is fucking heelar. Have to no fear, the void between Metallica and the Beatles has been filled in the form of Beatalica (via Pitchfork). Al told me about this the other day, and it is some funny shit. Especially if you enjoy the Southpark's mockery of Hetfeild. They take (mostly early) Beatles tunes and revamp them with a dead-on Hetfeild impersonation and a touch of evil as evidenced by track titles like: "Everybody's Got a Ticket to Ride Except for Me and My Lightning," "Blackened the USSR," and "Got to Get You Trapped Under Ice." Download this track first, and then swing over to their website where you can download both of their albums for free.
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Lee Siegel at The New Republic has a great analysis of why we should hate Donald Trump, and why he was an obvious choice for a TV show in a post-ironic world. My favorite line:

"Trump, NBC's financial guru, has the Midas touch in reverse--born with a golden checkbook in his mouth, nearly everything he touches turns to shit....He is a schoolyard bully. He is a coward. He is a creep. His hair isn't funny any more."

Nota Bene: I recently saw Shattered Glass, the movie about discredited TNR reporter Stephen Glass (27 of his 41 published stories were made up). It's not great, but it does give some insight into the workings of The New Republic -- the only in-flight magazine of Air Force One. Plus Hayden Christensen possibly redeems himself for Star Wars Episode II.

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Behold mates, the pubes you see before you belong to the one and only Paris Hilton. That's right kids, for a limited time, you too have a chance to own Paris Hilton's pubes. They're available through an Ebay auction right now, sitting at $12, with 8 days remaining (via Fleshbot). Description is as follows:

This bundle of Pubic Hair was taken from Paris Hilton's bathroom sink at one of her hotels when she visited Australia late last year. Surprise!!!!!!!!! She isn't a natural blonde!!!!

A couple of things: (1) That's a shitload of pubes. (2) I can't believe she just left them in the bathroom sink, that's naaaaasty. (3) Paris Hilton nasty.
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Slate has a collection of Tax Day editorial cartoons from around the country.

This is my favorite.

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With all the (deserved) Kill Bill hoopla going on, I thought this Samurai distraction was interesting. Via Oregon Commentator, is this Wu-Name Generator.

Mine is either Midnight Artist, Shrieking Dreamer, or Bitter Worlock. Ol' Dirty Bastard would have been preferred.

Along the same lines is The Shizzolator, which translates any site into Snoop-speak, ya dig my shizzy?
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Yo kids. I thought we'd take a look at what's coming up in the way of concerts for this summer. First off, the super-dope, hype-as-fuck Lollapalooza is brewing into quite a distinct flave. The traveling festival is supposed to be a two-day event featuring the likes of Morrissey, Flaming Lips, Modest Mouse, Sonic Youth, Gomez, Polyphonic Spree, Shitgrass kings String Cheese Incident, & Ryan Adams to name a few. Speaking of Ryan Adams, if haven't yet heard him tear into Chicago critic Jim Derogatis, go now and listen. I like Adams, but if the dude reacts this way to every bad review he's just being a whiny little bitch. Diddy mentioned possible NIN rumours for Lollapalooza 04, but I haven't seen anything that would attest. The festival doesn't even have a website up yet, so who knows what's going on. No dates yet, but surely they will be considering Deer Crick.

Bonnaroo 2004 - Looking much better than last year with the presence of Ween, Primus, Wilco, David Byrne, Yo La Tengo, Los Lobos, Damian Rice, My Morning Jacket, Taj Mahal, Praxis, and way way way more. There are still plenty of damn dirty hippy bands too, though it is nice to see the promoters expanding beyond 3 nights of Widespread -kill me now- Panic.

What's really missing is the smaller tours. There are a few dates in Chicago that I definitely would like to check (Shins, MMJ). As always, the obligitory multi-night appearance of Phish at Deer Creek. Ole Macky might have to take a pass this time around. What is everyone else looking forward to this summer?

Lastly, Alison and I made a trip up to Chicago to see The Wrens a few months back. She interviewed the group and just had her story published today on Popmatters, so go scope that piece.


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Matrix - This is when you shove a spoon up a girl's ass, and she responds by saying, "did you just stick a spoon up my ass?" You kindly respond by saying, "There is no spoon."
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Silence of the Clams - Secretly masturbate in a dark place to the point of no return then pretend to have a seizure while mumbling. Then when someone approaches to make sure you're ok, throw a handful of slap juice in their face and hair and yell: "Hello Clarice!"
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Well baseball season has begun and of course my fantasy league team is already in last place (thank you very much Mr. Mark Prior! Tommy John surgury, huh?). In any case, I love this time of year. The Cactus League teams recently left the trailer park charm of the Phoenician suburbs to take residence at their respective publicly-financed palaces. Yes, it is a fine time indeed.

ESPN's Page 2, as always has a clever antidote to the Springtime euphoria: The MLB Misery Index! It's in response to John Kerry's own selectively self-serving Misery Index, a further take off of an idea an economist came up with years ago. Anyway, it's a good read and more importantly, it's sure to piss off Red Sox fans. By the way, in case you didn't know, Hunter S. Thompson writes a hit or miss column for Page 2.

Also, this is a great site for people interested in baseball and economics (namely me and the guy who runs it): Sabrenomics. It fastens itself into the now much vaunted vehicle of Sabremetrics (brain child of the great Bill James), but adds a little more insight into the business of baseball.

Finally, here is a link to an oft overlooked SNL sketch making fun of George Will's professorial affair with baseball journalism. For all my kowtowing about high-browery on this site, I think George Will is just a blowhard. You'll laugh at this.

Also The Volokh Conspiracy links to this interesting story about a crackhead seeking police assistance:

[L]ast Friday evening[,] a man walked into the [police] department to report that a woman had stolen his crack cocaine. . . .

[Police officer Philip] Anelli said the man told him that he and a woman were riding around when he decided to pay for two rocks of crack cocaine. The man planned to smoke one of the rocks and give the other to the woman in exchange for sexual favors. The plan was apparently moving along fine, until the woman smoked both rocks and then ran off without giving up any favors.

Angry, the man went to the police department to turn the woman into the police. . . .

Not so much baseball related, but economics-related nonetheless. Glen Whitman over at Agoraphilia, has an insight into the ramifications of black markets as pointed out by this story. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't even blink when I read this kind of stuff cause I'm so used to it.

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Would he then be forced to Fuck Saddam in the Ass?? and "Stay the Course" - what an assanine statement. I am tired of these old "Reasons" for the War...that aren't reasons but ignorance and 'Rep'. Even a Bush speech that said nothing new pissed me off!! Because he is still using "The Almighty told me to go to War for His Freedom." Fuck you!! And the old, I said I was gonna do it(So I had to!) Fuck you twice!! What the hell is this shit?? I've said I was going to do something once (max. twice, haha), that was wrong. And instead of making things 100 times worse, I decided to stop...maybe even say I wasn't right. But most importantly move on to fixing the problem that I caused. AHHHH!! Instead...We are going to send MORE troops.

And what does everyone think about Bush's complete lapse in ability to answer why both he and Cheney are going to testify together instead of separate? Uh, cause the answers, are to answer to the questions that are the answers...uh...both of us. No, because YOU are an idiot and need CHENEY to tell you everything that happened before and after 9/11 and the WAR.

And anyway, the Administration must be cooking up some hellified shit...if they feel the gall to mention the Palestinians ("The terrorists who take hostages or plants a roadside bomb near Baghdad is serving the same ideology of ... murders children on buses in Jerusalem, and blows up a nightclub in Bali and cuts the throat of a young reporter for being a Jew," Bush said) in with the other Terrorists of the World. Bush has backed the withdrawal of Israel (in some small,unimportant parts) but has added that Palestinian refugees must leave major areas and Israel has claim to parts of the West Bank. A quote from the linked article, "Palestinians were furious after Sharon vowed on Monday that Israel would hold on to the main West Bank settlements, fueling their fears the Gaza pullout was a ruse to annex West Bank land."
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Indiana University opens a new chapter student / porn relations this month, when a freshman who goes by the name "Teen Keira" started up her own porn website. The photos were taken in her dorm room and in the showers of the one and only Briscoe. The story broke last week, and the student was asked to meet with Dean McKaig for a pattling, er... investigation into whether these ideas were prudent.

IU, thirstly to retain their rep as party-school numero uno / college-porn visionary, has decided to let Keira carry on with her porn-starring ways (read full story). Apparantly, since she is not using any IU-affiliated computers to upload the images, and isn't prominently displaying well-known IU logos or landmarks, then it's ok. On top of that, she's making 1/3 of the $25 membership cost. The site took in over $3,000 last Wednesday and Thursday alone. Mo' money mo' money, or mo'money mo'problems?
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There is good news amoung all the mundane bullshit of pre-911 terrorist threats, election coverage, and new Nick & Jessica variety power-nap. Unrulely schlock-rockers Nickelback were recently pelted with rocks by fans in Portugal for a heinous display of public suck-itude. Check out the video right here. The best is when he goes for the 'C'mon now guys, seriously...'-type speech and gets cracked right upside the head. Chad Kroeger: your name is Chad.

Additionally, I have really enjoyed bashing The Chad and Natalie Merchant in previous weeks. Keep your eye out for what will hopefully be weekly bashings of people I think everyone should dislike.
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Sorry for the long post; I have a lot of Pacer-loving energy that has been waiting to burst forth for quite some time..

So, I just finished watching the Pacers earn their 60th win of the season against Philly (franchise record for wins in a season). They do have a chance to hit 61 against the conference-doormat Chicago Bulls on Wednesday as well. Still, the real season begins this weekend. Maybe you are a Pacers fan, or an NBA fan in general who believes the season is too long to pay attention to. I understand, though I personally love the show all season. Now it is playoff time, so step the fuck up and give the Pacers some love.

I realize the Eastern Conference is weak, but this team is good. They have all the necessary parts to make a run at the championship.. a great defense, plenty of scoring options, a great bench and depth, and perhaps most importantly, great chemistry. I don't like to predict for my own teams, but this team is scary to anyone, even the Western Conference who collectively went 8-20 against the Pacers this season. Tinsley has stepped up this year to become reliable and consistent. Reggie is still dangerous as he was in playoffs of old in his smaller role (he loves this time of year). Foster is a major upgrade from Brad Miller on defense and is one of the NBA's best offensive rebouders. Jermaine O'Neal is one of the top 4 big men in the NBA (Shaq, Duncan, Garnett being the others). Harrington was the best 6th man in the NBA this year, and can play SG, SF, or PF anytime needed, tho he is most comfortable at the PF. The bench is great, at least the best in the East if not the entire NBA (Harrington, Fred Jones, Bender, Anderson, Croshere, Johnson, Pollard and co.. very deep).

And, finally... Ron Artest has gone from a guy I'd like to see traded last year to one of my favorite Pacers of all time this year. He is a legit pick for defensive player of the year, he is the stopper against the top scorers on other teams, he plays harder than anyone in the NBA, and his attitude has improved 100% this season (and, as you see in the pic, he's a chef on Thanksgiving).

I have been a Pacers fan since I was 10 or so, and I can remember teams of the early 90's with Reggie, Chuck "the Rifleman" Person, Detlef Schrempf, Smits, etc. We all remember Larrys Brown and Bird coaching. The late-90s era of Jalen Rose, Reggie, Dale and Antonio, the Dutchman, Mullin and the rest was a great time in my life, and the Finals run was spectacular. In the past few years, Isiah Thomas helped to usher in the new era with players like J O'Neal and Artest, Harrington and Bender, Tinsley and Jones. And now, Rick Carlisle has taken the team to new heights, and this team is the best yet. This team is still very young outside of Miller, and barring cap problems, should be a contender for years to come.

Sure, they've never won the NBA title, but through all my years as a fan, they have been a constant in the playoffs.. a perennial contender, even you non-pace-lovin-bitches can respect that. Another constant with the Pacers in the past 15 years has been Reggie Miller.

The guy is on crutches out there and still produces. His loyalty to the franchise and constant work effort and attitude are the kinds of things long term fans always hope for in a franchise player, and Reggie has made us more than happy, giving us some of the best basketball fandom moments in our lives. In my book, he is easily one of the top 50 players of all time. Donnie Walsh is one of the best execs in the history of the NBA; he has kept the Pacers in contention with different players during his entire tenure with the franchise, and he takes care of his guys. The Pacers simply aren't bad very often, and we can hope this year they can begin their true greatness.

The Pace playoffs begin this weekend with the Boston Celtics, where the boys will attempt to avenge last year's first round exit at the hands of Paul Pierce and co. These Pacers are for real, and even if they exit in the first round again, they had a helluva season. These doods deserve mucho props and respect from any NBA fan, and if yous a proud fan of our Pace Show, then bitches, let me know. Get Loud, its playoff time foos.
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Alright, I know we're "not supposed to talk about the Bush twins." Well, I don't care. The media thinks it's wrong to talk about them. Well, I would like to say that I'd nail them both if I had the chance. I think they're around 20 years old. That's good enough for me. I think they're hot. The blonde one in the picture is cuter than the other one. I had a hard time finding pictures of them.

So, what do you guys think? Would being one of the Bush twins keep you from dating/sleeping with/finger-banging them? I don't think I would care.

I'm getting better at these "high-brow" posts. Maybe I post shit like this because it completely contrasts what I'm doing in school. For example, I'm in Administrative Law right now listening to a review session. I'd rather think about nailing one and/or both of the Bush twins than listen to the "hard-look doctrine."
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So, I just got back from seeing "The Passion." I didn't really think it was that good. I'm speaking from the standpoint of just being a good movie. I'm not attempting to criticize it's "accuracy." I just didn't find it entertaining or thought provoking. It seemed to me that it was just there to be shocking and to tell about 1/64 of a real story. There really wasn't any dialogue that really needed any "acting." Anyway, I was a bit disappointed.
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I found this on the web. It's written by a guy named Maddox. That's all I know. My back hurts from laughing so hard.

Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do,
and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women.

Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking vaginas.

I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:"

1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, bitch.

2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?

3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.

4. Give you the remote control during the game.
This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote.

5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out "I HAVE HERPES." The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over "...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available." Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.

6. Play with your hair.
Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?

7. His hands always find yours.
This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.

8. Be cute when he really wants something.
Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.

9. Offer you plenty of massages.
For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth.

10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.

11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.

12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.

13. Stare at you.
You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.

14. Call for no reason.
Oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends."

I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.

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Ten years ago today Seattle police found Kurt Cobain's body, the result of a successful hired homicide by his wife Courtney - the most out of control bitch ever to walk this planet - Love. I thought I would encourage everyone to offer up their memories from that day.

Spring break 94, I was in Florida with my parents. It was saturday, the last day in Florida, and I was wearing a Nirvana t-shirt and skating around a hotel parking lot, when the kid runs up to tell me that Kurdt is dead. I went inside, turned on MTV and noticed that Nirvana unplugged was playing. About 5 minutes later Kurt Loder came on with the news of the "Suicide." I consider this to be one of the greatest tradgedies (at the time) in my life. Luckily my life has been fairly tradgedy-free thus far.

To those who haven't seen it, I would HIGHLY recommend checking out the documentary Kurt & Courtney. Also, there are some interesting files available over at The Smoking Gun. Were you a Nirvana fan? If not, do you feel that Nirvana is getting too much credit for changing the face of music? Isn't In Bloom still the greatest video ever made?
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This past weekend I decided, rather than get a haircut, I'd just buzz it all off. Never done that before, so why not? Of course, no full-head buzzing is complete without a mohawk flirtation. BEHOLD! It's gone now. Lasted about an hour, but you can enjoy it here forever.
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I just thought this was pretty damn funny (from The Onion):

Frank Zappa Fan Thinks You Just Haven't Heard The Right Album
NEDERLAND, CO—In spite of your insistence that you are not into Frank Zappa, avid fan Roger Von Lee believes that you would change your mind if you heard the right album. "You're prejudiced, because the only Zappa you know is 'Valley Girl' and 'Don't Eat The Yellow Snow,'" Von Lee told you Tuesday. "Seriously, you need to check out Hot Rats or Absolutely Free. Zappa and the Mothers were at their peak, and Zappa's jazz-rock fusion experiments predate Bitches Brew. That'll totally convince you that Zappa's the shit." Von Lee added that if those two don't get under your skin, he can recommend another 15 to 20 albums that will for sure.

Also, if you haven't read The Onion's post-9/11 issue (lately), than it's a must do before the end of the day. Here's the lead article. Here's the archive link (scroll down to find Vol. 37, Issues 34-5 for the rest). It was the least condescending but sincere commentary that anyone could proffer in those couple weeks, despite the billions of words printed. Apparently this issue was seriously considered and then passed over for a Pulitzer Prize - they deserved it.



On a related note, here (first news clip on the right) was Jon Stewart's initial thoughts on the first Daily Show after that. He sheds a couple tears...his last line about the view from his home is just heartbreaking.

I don't know why I'm feeling all nostalgic today.
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Step aside Terry Bradshaw, your reign as America's favorite jackass is officially over. Enter William Hung, the latest and greatest victim in American Idol's not-so-talented catagory. In the case of Hung, his very lack of talent is what makes the man appealing. Those who missed his AI performance of 'Latin Sensation(!!!)' Ricky Martin's groove-machine "She Bangs," should tune into the AI website to catch up on the laughs. Before long the emerging talent of William Hung will be captured forever on record, thanks to a recent signing by Koch Records.

First off, Koch better get that disc out fast, because star power burns out quick when its sole basis is humiliation. They guy is clearly a sweet, good-natured human being and this record label is going to chew him up and spit him out, and hopefully sell a couple hundred-thousand copies in the process. Personally, I can't help but feel sorry for this guy. Every one is pointing and laughing and saying things like "Look at this fucking guy, what and idiot." Should there be something wrong with this, or is it in our nature to need a village idiot for the masses?
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Have any of you seen this? I thought it would make the funniest gift. I was searching on iTunes for Elvis Costello's version of "I'll Never Fall In Love Again" with, and by, Burt Bacharach. Don't ask. I couldn't find it, but I did find a version done by a little kid. This led me to remember seeing those "Kidz Bop" commercials on TV. So, I checked to see if iTunes had them. Bingo! By the way, I found out that the girl with the stellar body and beat up face is actually a huge bitch. She's in the reading room here right now...bending over...with her fine ass.

Also, I've made a decision. Since the "Hot Abercrombie Chick" has a nice chest and a great face, then I'm willing to overlook the uncertainty regarding her ass. Therefore, I agree that she is "hot."

This decision is in line with my previous response to Alison's question in the comments under my Porky's post.

Later y'all.
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1. NYT has a short piece about the cover of Reason Magazine's June issue.

When the 40,000 subscribers to Reason...receive a copy of the June issue, they will see on the cover a satellite photo of a neighborhood - their own neighborhood. And their house will be graphically circled.

2. The WaPo has a short review of a recent performance of guitar legend Yngwie Malmsteen.

3. Via The Agitator, Halfbakery is a cool timewaster. You can post new ideas for inventions/customs and have them rated by others. Custom pornography is clever. So is bizarre metaphors. Not so much the Edible PDA.

4. Finally, this very thorough and level-headed discussion of gay marriage by the inimitable Jonathan Rauch for The Atlantic. Agree or disagree with him (or more to the point, his position), you'll have to respect his emotionless summary.
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For those of you who haven't noticed, there is a link to this Blog on 1.21 Gigs. Hot Abercrombie Chick is some egotistical sorostitute who discovered that by pressing her tits against the computer screens of the masses, she can get attention. Well, she got mine. I decided to check it out and discovered some hilarious feedback in the comments section of this Blog. I'll admit, she is a fine, mindless piece of ass, who I'd fuck and leave in the street to fend for herself. $50.00 says she doesn't last over 2 minutes! Any takers? Check out these comments:

"Didnt you see the last catalog? Abercrombie models were naked. Please take off those clothes now. Thank you for already doing just this." - Adam

"Scientists have determined that the average time for intercourse is four minutes. The average number of strokes per minute is nine, and since the average length of the penis is six inches, the average female received two hundred and sixteen inches or eighteen feet per intercourse. Three times per week, fifty two weeks in a year, so, 2808 feet, or just over a half of a mile. If you are not getting your half of a mile, why not let me help out?" - Taty_420

"I walked into the bar and sat down next to this girl and just stared at her. I didn't say anything. I just stared at her. Finally she looked over and yelled, "WHAT???!!!!" And I said, "Well, it's not going to suck itself!" - Taty_420
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My numero uno hot chick turns 18 today! Amanda Bynes, you make me balls ache!


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Hi, I'm Natalie Merchant. You might remember me from this band called 10,000 Maniacs from the early 90s. Man were we horrible, I mean really bad. Have you heard my solo stuff? It's fucking hideous, no joke. I'm am a seriously irritating singer and I can't believe anyone can stand to listen to my god-awful excuse for music. Just look at me with this hat turned upside down on my head. Could you think of anything more stupid? I sure can't. There's this station in Bloomington, IN called 92.3 WTTS, and they love me. No one really knows why. Shit, as far as I know I haven't sold a record since I tarnished that Bruce Springsteen song years back. Oh but the WTTS people - they spit my trash out over the airways like I was John fucking Mayer or something. Look for me playing the second stage at your local state fair very soon!

"Yeahh-ha," "Ehhh-Ha,"
Natalie Merchant (a.k.a. that really shitty singer that's always on WTTS)
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Hey all, as Hix has given me reason to finally do it. I've started to put up some of my pictures from Euroland. I've started with ones from Italy. These are from a trip I took just after Carnival (mardi gras)...end of February...to Venice, Padova, and Verona and Trento. I haven't yet written in the titles because there are a hell of a lot of pictures...sorry. But just check them out, if you want. We start in Venice (Right , I think you can tell) with two Mexican girls(Ariadna-curly hair and mole, which I slept with that night ;) and Erica) and my friends Fabian(panzon, stout Mexican guy), Ben(bigger American), and Scott (little man); the next day 3 Italian guys (Luca1-long hair, Luca2-short hair, and Alessandro (aka. Michael Stipe) come meet us where we go back to Piazza San Marco (big gold church square) and then drink some wine at a random dock area.

After that we make a quick stop in Padova (statues and old Church) for a spritzer and on to Trento (Stipe's apartment). The next 3 days we spend in Verona and back to Trento, Went out to a huge dinner in the country (best lunch/dinner of my life, lasted about 3 hours included 3 smoke breaks and everyone was drunk by the end), go to a Football (soccer) match where Luca1 works, check out the Verona Coliseum, see Juliet's home and go to an old monastery on top of a hill at Sunset on the edge of Verona (Left ). All in all it was a great trip.
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