For those who don't know, FARK's photoshop contests are the shit.
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I've just read this article where the first woman ever in Norway was convicted of rape. I guess this guy fell asleep on a couch at a party and woke up to this girl sucking him off. The best part about it, ol boy is getting paid!! Seriously, it's time I start getting paid for getting a bj.

Funny side note, this girl at my work told me she entered an account perfectly. Sometimes I check over them. So she tells me if I find anything wrong, she'll give me a blow job. Guess who actually verified an account closely for the first time since I realized my job sucks ass....yep, me. Two mistakes bitches. I don't understand how most of us don't get sued for sexual harassment. Seriously.
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A discussion of the phenomenon known as "Crunk" is officially overdue on this blog. Stereogum has a post on it today, and I would like to expand on those thoughts. First off, what the hell is Crunk Juice? If Red Bull contains taurine, a derivative of bull semen (?), then can we expect to get a little bit of sweat from Lil' Jon's balls in our Crunk Juice?

Crunk is a mysterious little term. No one seems to know the exact definition. Some say it means to get "Crazy Drunk," while others believe it stems from getting lifted off the codeine in cough syrup. One thing's for sure, it's gone too far. I was at a Colts game last year and literally saw them put a graphic on the scoreboard (ala D-Fense!) that said "Everybody Get Crunk!" Beyond that, they were playing "Get Low" over the P.A., and there's nothing more unsettling then hearing Lil' Jon say "Sweat drips off mah (blank)" while several thousand men, women and children chime in with "balls."

Do we really want 50,000 people getting crunk at the same time? Does the house manager even know what crunk means? Does it mean anything?

Urban Dictionary has 144 definitions of the word.

Questions to ponder:
1. What the fuck is crunk?
2. What would happen if 50,000 people in an enclosed space all got crunk at the same time?
3. What y'all know 'bout some RADIO!?!?
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It's been a while since I posted a track up here. Here's a new cut from Mike Jones. I just downloaded his album Who is Mike Jones?, and this guy calls his own name out at least 6 times more often than any other rapper in history. Also, apparantly Mike actually put his real phone number on a sticker on the front of his album, not to mention he's recited it at least 5 times throughout the album thus far, and I'm only on track 8. Anyway, i like this stuff so far. This song is also quite funny, cathy, and just generally a pretty badass hip hop tune, IMO. Right click --> Save.

Mike Jones - Scandalous Hoes

This track makes me think of the music in Debbie Does Dallas - just super low quality, film-strip porn music, with a sweet beat break and some Nate Dogg-esque backing vocals. As Clark Kellogg might say, "It's like a baby's bottom: smooth, yet explosive."
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(Let me first note that 5 days have past with no posts. 1.21 Gigawatts has reduced to .74 Gigawatts.)

I know there at least 4 of us on the Giga that are MAC users. For those of you who are not, I pray that some time in the near future you will be mercifully released from the constrictive grip of computer illiteracy and mental retardation from which you so painfully suffer. And Teddy, before you open that anus in your face and begin blasting verbal diarrhea all over the white walls of this sacred blog, go fuck yourself.

MAC OS X 10.4 Tiger is to be released on Friday, April 29. I have heard many great things about the new OS and plan on scoring myself a copy ASAP. Tiger retails for $129.00, but if you know someone who is enrolled at a nearby college or university (like an ex-girlfriend)(or for Teddy, an ex-horsefriend) you can likely land a copy for a mere $69.00. And, in the case of the ex-girlfriend, maybe you can stop by and get some 69 too. I know Teddy, you dig on 11 (?). The Apple website (www.apple.com) has a great deal of info on Tiger, but little is mentioned about software compatibility after the upgrade. Losing the use of all of the programs I use on a daily basis is not something I want to have happen after this upgrade. If anyone has any info on this, please post it in comments. Teddy, please post nothing.
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Lollapalooza was announced today, and yes, your prayers for Billy Idol have been answered. I can't access the official website to get the entire lineup (if it's even been annouced) because my firewalled work 'puter won't let me install Flash, but here is a look at the lineup that Billboard.com is reporting:

The Pixies
Weezer
Widespread Panic*
The Killers
The Arcade Fire
Liz Phair
The Black Keys
Death Cab For Cutie
Cake
Dashboard Confessional
Dinosaur Jr.
Kasabian
Kaiser Chiefs
Louis XIV
Tegan & Sara
M83
Los Amigos Invisibles
Blue Merle
The Redwalls
The Changes
Dandy Warhols
Digable Planets
Brian Jonestown Massacre
Billy Idol
The Bravery
Blonde Redhead

Widespread Panic are a bunch of festival whores! Go stand on another corner, you're not welcome here.

The lineup is not quite as strong as I would have hoped (more hip-hop, maybe a decent DJ or two, please?), but if all goes well then no one will have to see bands they don't want to.
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Taking a page from Paper (to the) Thin (to the) Wallz, here's a morbid take on the friday five. Top five songs to be played at my funeral:

"Glad and Sorry" - The Faces
"Autumn in New York" - Billie Holiday
"Ariel Ramirez" - Richard Buckner
"Watermelon in Easter Hay" - Frank Zappa (*note - I will require that someone stand by the stereo and administer the customary tasteful fade-out towards the end of the guitar solo. These are my wishes.)

Ok, so five songs is tough to come up with, without picking something stupid, such as Weird Al's "Taco Grande" for instance. Therefore, let's make it a top three, with the option of a bonus song or two. Let's have'em people.
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Wow...what a fucking amazing last week or so in music...for me at least. We're talking 3 out of my top 10 fave acts of all time (including two of me top 3) putting out new shit (rather by official release date or by a treacherous leak)...and this young man couldn't be happier. We'll bust out a brief breakdown on what YOU need to be listening to...

Nine Inch Nails - With Teeth

Well, only took five and a half fucking years for Trent to bust this beeotch out...and, well, it's just gosh darn mediocre. But, mediocre by El Rezzo's standards means 99% better of most of what's being released today. What can I say here...NIN's gone pretty damn poppy, with references to acts such as Radiohead, U2 and LCD Soundsystem scattered throughout. Good disc still, though, with highlights being Everyday Is Exactly the Same, The Hand That Feeds, and Right Where It Belongs...but, almost 1900 days for this...bit disappointed.

Mindless Self Indulgence - You'll Rebel To Anything

If you thought NIN's lapse was long...it's been almost 6 years since the last proper MSI disc. And what does Jimmy Urine and the crew come up with? 26 fucking minutes! You've gotta be shitting me! Needless to say, I was one pissed-off ID when I heard of the paltry length. And what? They actually made a disc of songs with verse chorus verse structure and no songs under 2 minutes?!?! What's the world coming to? I'll tell you what...sheer, unadulterated, awesomeness. This album owns like no other album since the last MSI disc. Pissed as I am about the length...surprised as you might be, I've been like, Nine Inch Who?

Autechre - Untilted

Well, we all know what Ae's become since Tri Repetae (wait, for those reading this blog, you probably don't, but, meh). Gotta compare this to LP5 more than anything. Sounds like what Autechre's sounded like for the last 8 years, but, what's that...we've actually got some coherent beats! Anywho, if you digs Ae, then you'll definitely like this disc.

In other news, the ID just got his much-so-much deserved promotion/transfer to Indy approved and will be moving in late May, right after I hit up the MSI tour closer on the 28th at Bogart's. Oh, and the divorce is final next week. Here's to a new chapter...beeeitches!
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I think I have a cure for the music malaise that seems to be affecting the heads on this blog. When you decide it is time to stop crying along with Conner Oberst or Carlos D beacuse your 14 year old niece thinks they are SO BEST I have the answer. Recently I have been needing something with a little more backbone to it, and by backbone I mean funky ass beat. I think that with summer just around the corner we all need a little more dance in our collective step. I am recommending that all of you go out and get some more dancable music ASAP. I'll even make it easy for you. Everyone remembers that ground breaking album Erland Oye Dj Kicks! last year, right? Well I think that !K7's DJ Kicks series is just what the doctor ordered. Whether you like funky left field house, trip/hip hop, or crunchin drum and bass, you can find it here. I strongly recommend the Tiga, Kruder and Dorfmeister, and Playgroup sets. Forget being and Indie snob for a while and put on your dancing shoes! Nutbag Out!
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With the impending baseball season ahead (yawn) and the absence of no other exciting sports to watch (I caught the hot sporting action that is the world curling championships on ESPN today), I'd like to remind everyone that the NBA is winding down. Playoffs are ahead and I'm pleased to say that our beloved Pacers have clinched a spot. Let's face it, that's damn good considering our best two players have been out practically the entire season. Carlisle, coach of the year? It's debatable.

There's a good game against Miami tomorrow (Sunday) afternoon (2:30 ET I believe) that's worth checking out. And, if the Pacers can squeek back by Washington for the 5th spot against the Bulls in the first round (although I'd prefer a matchup against Boston), I would hope that Mackey, Shitstain and everyone else in Chi-town will dawn vintage Smits Happens and Spike This t-shirts around the windy city. Don't let me down. Hey, do any of you ole Cathedralites remember when Reggie came to our high school? He had on overalls and a yellow turtleneck and was kind of a douche, but he can still ball.

And, keep watching South Park. The last few episodes have not let me down -- best little league sh*t-talking dad? yummy delicious chicken skins? Freakin' hi-larious. New episodes air on Comedy Central on Wedesdays at 10 pm ET. Mmmm ... chicken skins.
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Thanks again to the I.D. for setting up a 1.21 audioscrobberler group. If you listen to a lot of music on your computer then feel free to join in the fun. Here's a glance at what us fools have been listening to the last week. Top three songs:

Processian Esq.
1. Babylon Zoo - "Spaceman"
2. The Real Tuesday Weld - "Bathtime in Clerkenwell"
3. Nine Inch Nails - "Burn"

Short Sleeve Steve
1. Miles Davis - "Blue in Green"
2. Miles Davis - "Old Devil Moon"
3. LFO - "Track 14" (CDDB that shit homey!)

Macky Ole
1. Yo La Tengo - "Big Day Coming"
2. Delays - "You Wear the Sun"
3. Delays - "Hey Girl"

Poster Nutbag
1. M. Ward - "Let My Love Open the Door"
2. The Frames - "Dream Awake"
3. Ivy - "Thinking About You"

What's with all the Miles Davis, Steve-O? You been gettin' laid?
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Has anyone played with Google Maps since it's recent launch? Go there, enter an address, and click the link that says "Satellite" in the upper right hand corner of the page. You can actually get satellite photos of the address you're looking up.

One blogger has used this tool to uncover what some believe to be the infamous Area 51 military base in Nevada. Check out his commentary on the discovery.

I can't find any information, but I'm fairly sure that the photos used by Google Maps are not "Live" by any means. Does anyone know how recent these photos are, or how often they're updated? How long will it be until Google surpasses Microsoft as the next evil empire of the information age?
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First of all, let me add that the discussion of music in the previous post has been awesome, the kind of thing I wish I had spent time doing in bars for the last five years.

But I just wanted to let everyone know that I've taken on very limited blogging duties at the Arizona Republic's Plugged In blog. It's supposed to be running commentary on local and national issues by Arizona "insiders." I'm not sure how I qualify, but I'm flattered they would ask and so I've taken it upon myself to submit one post a week. The twist is that because it's a major media outlet, the posts are chosen and edited by one of the editorial page editors, so I don't really have any direct control over what they post of mine. My first two posts are right over nyah and nyah. The payoff is that certain submissions (if I keep them under 100 words, and are appropriately political) will make it into the Sunday print edition. We'll see -- I've got one up for consideration right now.

Finally, I just today accepted an offer for graduate study at Emory University in Atlanta, perhaps the most surprisingly green place in the country. So starting August, I'll be knee deep in a math "boot camp" and then a few weeks later I'll dive head first into the first of the 10 or so semesters required for a Ph.D. in economics. Thus the standing invitation is hereby proffered: anyone needing short-term lodging in "the big city with Southern hospitality," consider it done.
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Unfucking believable. Did you guys here that a casino, GoldPalace.com, has bought for $650,000 the rights to name a species of monkey?? I know what you have running through your head...could it be true?? Oh yes, coming to the Zoo near you, you can take your kids to see the newly discovered "Golden Palace.com Monkey". Unfortunately for the rest of the world, Bolivia is po, so po.

And Science has SOLD OUT.

Check out the last sentence of this article.
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Pitchfork has an excellent review of Music From the O.C. Mix 4 today that reveales the discerning truth behind the hipster ethos, and how it's just as commodifiable as anything else:

"The O.C."'s boogeyman role has more to do with indie fans' perception of themselves than their worry for the eternal cred souls of the bands getting national exposure. That pang you're feeling when you hear the Walkmen on the show is the realization that indie lifestyle, in all of its anti-mainstream fervor, is just as commidifiable an identity as any high school hallway archetype, fit not only for the personality of an ensemble cast member but a whole slew of show-related merchandise."

As Pitchfork reviews go, there's not a whole lot of talk about the actual music on the release, but rather how the line between independent and mainstream is one hell of a balancing act.

"I mentally flinched when I noticed that fully seven of the 12 tracks on this compilation were already somewhere in my digital archives, and that most are tracks that I myself would consider putting on a mix tape."

I think what the O.C. is doing is a good thing, because they're turning kids on to music that I like. Why is that a bad thing? For one, mainstream radio is starting to branch out and accept what the iPod is doing to the industry, and in turn they're playing the occasional good track alongside their Maroon 5, Good Charlotte and Yellowcard. Who knows, it might not be long before I can actually turn my radio on again.

Take a band like Death Cab for Cutie. I'm not crazy about them, but they're clearly talented and capable of writing some amazing stuff. The O.C.'s creator is a big fan and therefore has name dropped the group on several occasions during the show. Death Cab, fresh off their major label signing, are set to appear in a performance on the show soon (ala Flaming Lips on 90210, circa '93). This is clearly a blatent case of selling out, according to unwritten law of indie cred. Death Cab's Ben Gibbard was recently interview by Rolling Stone, saying:

"I don't see much difference between performing on Letterman and on The OC -- you're just playing your songs. I'm sure it's not cool to some people who've liked us in the past, but I could really give a fuck."

Before this post sprawls along anymore... thoughts?
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I don't know how I managed to not find out about this yet. Tis the biggest burger of them all.
Stats:

Availble in 6lb., or 9lb.
Price: $23.95
Fixins: Two hole tomatoes, twelve slices of american cheese, half a head of lettuce, two onions, a cup of peppers and more ketchup, mustard and mayo then you care to envision. That's five pounds of delicious fixins.

A little input via Snopes:

Denny's (not to be confused with the national chain restaurants of the same name) offers prizes for customers who can completely consume one of their big burgers within three hours: a T-shirt, certificate, and 50% discount for anyone who finishes a Challenger (2 lb. burger) within an hour; a T-shirt, certificate, and 100% discount for anyone who can polish off a Baby Boy (3 lb. burger) in 90 minutes or less; and something special for anyone who manages the unthinkable and puts away a whole 96er (6 lb. burger) in under three hours.

In January 2005, a 100-pound woman became the first person to win the Denny's Beer Barrel Pub challenge when 19-year-old Kate Stelnick of Princeton, New Jersey, downed a six-pound Denny's "96er" hamburger and five pounds of fixins' in 2 hours and 54 minutes, just shy of the three-hour time limit. For her trouble, Ms. Stelnick got a special certificate, a T-shirt, and other prizes, as well as having her tab for the $23.95 burger picked up by the house.

Damn straight they picked it up.
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Low and behold, Chicago has it going on this coming July. As I previoulsy mentioned, Lollapalooza will be returning for a single two-day festival in Grant Park on July 23 & 24. The official lineup gets annouced April 22. All 2,000 budget priced seats are gone, even as the Sun-Times reports that permits for the festival have yet to clear (apparantly Grant Park has never allowed rock festivals and aren't too keen on doing it in the future, so cross your fingers). Hopefully I'll get hooked up through my new internship, but don't hesitate to get on bored during the next ticket sale or you, my friends, are f*cked.

Another hot, ridiculously cheap festival is the upcoming 1st Annual Intonation Festival curated by Chicago hometown music-elitists Pitchfork. So far I couldn't have picked a better lineup. Confirmed thus far:

The Wrens
Broken Social Scene
AC Newman
Magnolia Electric Co.
The Decemberists
The Fiery Furnaces
The Go! Team
Four Tet
Two Ms
Will Oldham (doing a special, what's this... DJ set?)

The festival is set to take place the weekend prior to Lollapalooza, July 16 & 17 in Pulaski Park. Tickets are $10 (!!!!) per day and will only be sold at the gate (Ticketmassa done been punk'd). Bring your sleeping bags, you'll probably want to camp in line. I'll have extra pairs of really really tight jeans for anyone who forgets their own.
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So my stories about my life as a housing inspector in the ghetto have been somewhat non-existent lately. But the weather is getting warmer and things are starting to happen once again in the ghetto. Here is a great season opener for everybody.

I received a complaint about a vagrant who had broken into a vacant house and had been living there for a couple of days. This is actually a common complaint. Naturally, I made my way out to the residence to investigate. I knocked on the door, but received no answer. After further examination, I realized that the door was unlocked. So, I made my way into the house to have a look around. Immediately, I noticed a hot plate of breakfast food on the coffee table and I realized that someone was in the bathroom. Soon after, I hear the toilet flush and out walks a rat in a bathrobe, coffee in one......paw and newspaper tucked underneath the other. We stared at each other for a moment, until he finally said, "I'm not leavin' without a fight." And he sounded exactly like Clint Eastwood too. So I was all, "Let's take this outside then b-eye-itch." "Alright," he said. "Just gimme a second while I defecate on my food." I politely obliged.

Now I've already been hit in the face with a beer stein once before in my life and I wasn't about to get sucker cracked again, so I made him leave his cup of coffee inside. He came out swingin' and the fight went on for what seemed like hours. It didn't take before long before other rats and ghetto folk began surrounding and climbing the backyard fence, yelling and screaming like children during a schoolyard fight. I even heard someone yell, "Put 'em in a body bag Johnny! Huh-h-h-h-h-huh!" So I guess his name was Johnny. He kept trying to punch me in the balls and I was like, "Dude! No ball punching!" The fight went on until I finally grabbed him by the tail and began swinging him around in circles alll fast-like and then let him fly right into the fence. Needless to say, I knocked his ass out. But later on, I felt kinda bad about the whole thing.
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Sure, everybody has a George Foreman grill. They're not quite as popular as the once were, so it's understandable that the makers of the grill might want to update it a little bit - add some new technology and what not. Still, this has to be one of the stupidest innovations I've seen for a kitchen appliance. The George Foreman USB iGrill. Yup, that's a USB cord on the end of that Foreman. We gonna fire up some steaks at work in the cubible; have a little BBQ. I can't wait to get one so I can have a shit-ton of grease all over my desk and computer. Why didn't they think of this earlier?

I'm sure there will come a time when typical 2 and 3-prong power outlets will be replaced with powered data-transfer ports (similar to firewire, with more umfph) allowing us to operate all of our appliances under a single interface, but that time is not now, and the iGrill is a stupid product.
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(Via Stereogum) - Apparantly Maynard has found himself some Jebus. Could this be the end of Teddy's favorite, they just aren't as good as they used to be, but all other groups are lame now, band?
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One of the cool things about my new job is that I get to spend a few hours each day researching blogs and entering them into our database. Therefore, I'm reading dozens of new blogs everyday and I come across a pretty regular supply of cool shit. Case in point, these awesome 3D sidewalk drawings (via Room 116).


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Some people are out of their damn minds. Listen in. My favorite part:

Crazed Woman: But you're supposed to protect me!
Police: Ma'am, we can't protect you from a cheeseburger.
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I am hearing reports that our beloved Pope is on his deathbed at the age of 84. While this is a sad moment, I must take this opportunity to get down to business and submit my nomination for the new Pope. I nominate:

David Coverdale
Fomerly of Deep Purple and current frontman for Whitesnake.



And I also vote that he be allowed to bang chicks.
Who would you nominate as the new Pope?
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Either this is one hell of a cruel April Fools Day Joke, or Lollapalooza is actually back for a one city, two day event in Chicago's Grant Park this coming July 23-24. Promoters are promising 70 bands on 5 stages. The official lineup won't be announced until April 22, but Contact Music is reporting that Beck (yeah), The Killers (bleh) and the Kings of Leon (meh) will be performing. The festival goes on sale next Thursday, April 7 for a measley $35 (take that Bonnaroo!). There's a two ticket maximum per credit card, buy them and come stay with me. Check for updates at Lollapalooza.com.
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